Lose to gain

21 Weeks

2012-01-24T02:02:00.001-08:00

We're really getting there now. 3 more weeks to 'viability.' Come on babies you can do it!

We went to our second 'Baby School' on Saturday. It was just designed for people having twins - or more! The midwife doing this one kept forgetting to mention the 'or more' bit which irritated me a bit to be honest. She'd say 'When your twins arrive...' and I'd be chomping at the bit to say 'Or triplets!'

Apart from me being petty it was a good session. They showed us a dvd about how to bath a new born baby. It was a dad bathing his baby and I got quite choked about it. He was just so gentle - is it just me that finds a man being gentle so lovely?

Then we got woolly boobs to practice breastfeeding - no really. Apparently they were knitted especially by the ladies of our fair city. You had to place it over your real boob and practice feeding two babies at the same time. You can see a pic above - just of the woolly boob - I refused to let lovely fella take a pic of me practising.

Then the midwife asked for volunteer dads and lovely fella volunteered! I nearly fainted! He was sent around the corner with a fake baby to dress it for going out in the summer. Another dad was tasked with dressing a baby for outdoors in winter. Lovely fella brought his baby back and was marked 10/10. I was so proud! The other dad was a bit more random with the baby in a nappy and ski suit!

Anyway it was all good fun and made it seem much more real. Soon, hopefully, we'll be doing that for real.

---

Weighed in this week and I'm 30 pounds up from pre pregnancy. Freaked me out a bit but recommendations for triplets vary between 45-100 pounds in total so I'm not doing badly. It is weird to watch that weight go up though but I do know it's for a good reason.

I'm pretty sure it's mostly belly and boobs though as both are HUGE! I will try to get a belly pic done so you can see. Definitely moving into obvious pregnancy mode now, depending on the clothes chosen.

Otherwise I've been mostly worrying - well not always but there has been more for sure. We are SOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo close now to viability that I seem to get more scared every day that it'll all go wrong - I'll go into early labour or get pre-eclampsia.

Stupid thing is that there is absolutely no sign of either. Body is just chugging along quite happily. It's my mind going loopy!

Next scan is the 6th February. They will be measuring cervical length so we may get some clue how things are progressing. Until then its just waiting and trying not to go completely loony. I've started my 'what we need for the babies' list and just realised how much that is. Can't wait to start shopping.

Sunday musings

2012-01-22T01:04:00.000-08:00

Its Sunday morning, lovely fella is still asleep and I've had a gorgeous breakfast of banana, grapes, cherries and yoghurt. A few thoughts are running around my head.

Donor eggs

I really worried about having donor egg ivf before doing it, worrying that either I or the babies would feel differently because of it. All I can say now is how irrelevant it seems. These babies are mine. They move in my tummy. My body is helping them grow and hopefully will feed them when they are born. I am grateful to the donor more than i can say but i am their mummy. I hope that they will feel the same.

Pregnancy

There are positives and negatives about pregnancy (obviously there is one honking big positive)

I won't miss...
- being so tired - except I will probably be more tired!
- going to bed alone because it is too early for lovely fella
- not being able to sleep on my front
- random crying fits
- the worry

I will miss...
- sitting in meetings and feeling my babies move. Smiling because they are tickling me and no one knows but me.
- the excitement of the future
- the almost daily change in my belly
- not really having to wipe after a poo (honestly its magic!)
- lovely fella kissing my belly and talking to our babies

Happy Sunday!

20 Week Scan

2012-01-18T04:54:00.000-08:00

Just back from the scan and the glucose tolerance test. It is very hard being hungry when you are carrying triplets (or any number of babies I'm sure). They did a blood pressure test before I had eaten and it was sky high! This got me very worried but they tested it again after I had eaten a sandwich and it was super low again, as normal. So hungry is not good for me. They said if the glucose test result is bad they will ring me this week.

Anyway structural scan was good. All babies present and correct. Weights are estimated at 285g (10oz), 286g (10oz) and 345g (12oz). Difference between twins now 9% so nowhere near worrying 20%. Also no signs of twin to twin transfusion syndrome. Consultant said we are doing really well.

Plus the mystery baby is a girl (or 'a disappointed boy' the doc said). Am very pleased. Would have been happy with a boy but a girl makes a nice mix and I won't be totally outnumbered!

Very happy today. :)

Ps Thank you for your lovely comments on my posts. It's hard to express how much they mean but it is a lot!

20 Weeks

2012-01-17T00:12:00.000-08:00

Every week really does seem like a milestone at the moment. 20 weeks and the belly is getting bigger. I can feel the kids wiggling every day now, like having a tummy full of eels. Physically still doing well. Can't stay up past 10pm and a bit more breathless but otherwise fine. Except we have just had the bathroom done and I had a lovely bath - but then couldn't get out! I managed in the end but only by getting on my knees!

This week we went to Baby School at the hospital. Well, that's what lovely fella called it - the official name was 'multiple birth course.' It's spread over 2 Saturdays and so far we've learnt about birth options (no option for us but everyone else on the course are having twins so they might be able to deliver 'naturally').

We had a tour of the labour ward and the special baby care unit. I thought it'd be like ER with lots of flashing lights on machines and shouting people. It was actually very calm and chilled. They have 4 or 5 rooms along a corridor with babies from the very youngest on the far left down to the older ones (who need less intensive care). Obviously the idea is to get as far down the corridor as possible.

I saw a baby of about 28 weeks in the most intensive room. She/he was just tiny but totally perfect. I hope we get ours further than that but I do feel more confident about the environment they'll be taken to. My only worry is that, with 5 or so incubators in each room, we'll be blocking 3 of them! There is 'some' danger that if I have to have an emergency C section there might not be space for them all. So planned C section is the answer (like I have any control over it!)

Sunday I had a total meltdown. I think the course, plus people's reactions to us (triplets? wow!) just freaked me out. Its odd when, on a course for freaky pregnancy, you are still the freak - even to the nurses! It also made it all feel very real and sometimes I do get panicky thinking what is ahead. I was worrying that I'm boring lovely fella by being obsessed with the babies (he says not), I was also scared (irrationally) that he might leave (he says that's ridiculous). I think that some days the enormity of it hits and I realise how much I'm going to need him and other people to get through. I'm not used to needing people - or letting myself need - but with this I have no choice. I cannot be self sufficient with triplets. Lovely fella calmed me down and let me have a good cry. Ended up having a nice cuddly day.

So its all fears and excitement at the moment as time ticks by. Each week makes this more likely to happen, more likely I will have 3 babies. Mostly that fills me with joy but sometimes terror! I have been reading lots of multiple baby books, doing lots of research, and this is helping me to sleep. I at least have a bit of a clue now (the clue being that routine is the only way to cope).

We've decided no shopping until 24 weeks then we can start. My plan is to make a list of things we need and circulate around friends and family as many have offered secondhand things. Then we'll go secondhand shopping for the remainder - only buying new the things we have to - car seats and mattresses.

I'm determined to save as much money as possible through this maternity year. I'm not going to be at work but I do get paid for quite a while (full then half pay) then I get maternity benefits. Its the year after that's going to be really hard - before we can get free childcare. I can see all my wages, once I return to work, going on childcare. I have to say I'm very glad we don't live in America where maternity leave seems so short. Here a year off is quite normal.

Tomorrow we have our 20 week structural scan and glucose test. I'm not looking forward to the latter as I don't do very well on being hungry. I have a tendency to get dizzy and faint. I will pack lots of food to get me back to normal quickly once the test ends. I think whatever the opposite of diabetic is - I'm that - I'm metabolising sugars super fast at the moment.

Hopefully we'll find out the sex of our mystery baby. It'd be nice to have a girl and a mix but I'm not going to be upset if its another boy. They are all a lovely gift from the universe and I do feel blessed.

19 Weeks

2012-01-10T00:49:00.001-08:00

19 weeks! Feels like I am really chugging along now. Tummy is still noticable when naked by not so much clothed. Physically I think I'm doing pretty well. Blood pressure is staying low. Last time was 100/65. I'm still more tired than normal ( can't hardly remember normal!) but that's more to do with getting up a few times every night. I've been chatting with some ladies who are a few days ahead of me with their triplet pregnancies and both have pelvic pain. I haven't. I think this is because I have such wide hips! Finally they are paying off! 40+ years in!

No scan this week but lots of wriggling in the tummy to reassure me they are fine. There's been a real turn in my attitude in the last few weeks. Whereas before I was feeling rather cautious and unsure whether we'd end up with any babies - now I feel a real desire to get ready for their arrival.

Unfortunately lovely fella is still in the previous mode. I am aware there is lots that can happen between now and bringing the babies home. I'm not being unrealistic but I feel like we have guests coming and I want to make the beds. Lovely fella has admitted it still doesn't feel real for him yet - I think, from talking to friends, that this is a male thing. Obviously they aren't wriggling in his belly. It's hard to feel they are not real when they are!

I can't wait (well I can - at least another 11 weeks please) until lovely fella sees his babies for the first time. I want to see that moment when he, in his mind, becomes a father. He already is in mine and I know he'll be a great one.

18 week scan

2012-01-05T00:30:00.000-08:00

Another scan yesterday. Again no sign of Twin to Twin transfusion syndrome. One twin is still smaller than the other - by about 12%. Apparently they worry if it gets to 20% - but my doc seems worried already. He now thinks it might be fetal growth restriction.

It was a strange appointment of mixed messages. Doc made this speech along the lines of 'You've been through so much I'm going to make sure you come out of this with at least 1 baby. The single baby I'm not worried about. I'm not saying the twins are expendable...'

On the other hand we've now moved to scans every two weeks so he can't be that concerned.

Walking back to work with lovely fella I got quite teary. It sounded to me like he was saying we would prioritise the single baby and, if needs be, sacrifice the others. Lovely fella thought he was saying he'd try to get the best possible outcome for us. Must be my motherly instincts but I was ready to fight for my babies.

I've been working out when to start maternity leave and looks like it'll be at the start of April. Luckily I bought an extra 10 days holiday from work this year which means I can go on holiday from the end of February - so I have about 8 weeks left at work!

Thanks to my mother's generosity (she's given us an 'advance' on her will!) I can afford to take a full year off. We're also going to take a 6 month break on the mortgage so for the first year we'll be fine financially. Its once I go back to work, either full or part time, that the costs will mount up!

Seems to me that the big thing now is not to have to deliver earlier than, at least 28 weeks. Doc says I might deliver at 30 weeks but he'd try to get me as far as possible. Looking at the stats getting the babies over 28 weeks, and 2 pounds each, makes a huge difference to both survival and disability rates.

There are a number of things I can do to try to help maintain the pregnancy. Obviously looking after myself and resting as much as possible. Once I start maternity leave I must laze a lot! I was also reading that people who meditate have much lower incidents of pre eclampsia so I've started doing that again every night. Also being dehydrated can send you into premature labour so I'm trying to keep drinking.

I'd like to get them to 34 weeks+ but who knows what my body, and the babies, can do. Well it's not long until we find out!

18 weeks

2012-01-03T00:23:00.001-08:00

18 weeks today and it really feels like I'm getting somewhere now. I'm starting to believe this might end in babies. I'm not sure lovely fella is convinced as yet but then he doesn't have them wriggling in his tummy.

This week I think my belly turned from a cake belly into a baby belly. It's feeling quite firm (at the top anyway). I probably still just look a bit fat to some mind you. I have about an inch and a half until I can no longer reach the steering wheel of the car (short arms and legs don't help).

Back at work today (boo!). Am feeling quite chilled and happy. How long do you think that'll last? First major job of 2012 - set a date to start maternity leave. Probably some time in March but will ask consultant tomorrow - yes another scan booked in.

Didn't make any New Year resolutions (was only just awake!). Last year turned into a good one. Hopefully this year will be amazing. Hope you carry on joining me through this - your comments and support have truly helped me loads. Many is the time I have read a comment out to my lovely fella and said, with teary eyes, 'Aren't people lovely?' And its true! x

Another scan

2011-12-30T14:15:00.000-08:00

Just a quickie. Had another scan today. Twins both looking fine with no sign of twin to twin transfusion syndrome. The size difference between them which was about 11% is now 8-9%. They worry at 20%. So we are getting further away rather than closer.

Structurally all is well with all babies. Sometimes I feel a bit sorry for the other one because it gets no attention at all because it's just growing fine. We still don't know what sex it is, unlike the other two, so it's my mystery baby.

We also got the final results on the amnio. All ok. Hurrah! Another scan booked for next week then I have to do the diabetes test 'because of your weight' the midwife whispered. Problem is I have to not eat from 10pm go in at 8.30am and drink this glucose then wait two hours for a final blood test. I'm not very good at skipping meals so I told her I better be lying down cos I'll go faint.

Not looking forward to that.

Funny thing about midwives - I've yet to meet one who could answer any question I've asked them. They always say they are not sure or don't know. Bit worrying really! Today I asked her about my breast because they are changing at the moment, presumably building up to milk production. One has got a bit hard on one side and I wanted to know if this was normal.'oh I don't know. Go and see your GP.' was the response. I thought shed know. What do midwifes know? Is it just about babies rather than pregnancies? Or am I just weird? Could be both!

17 Weeks

2011-12-27T00:55:00.000-08:00

17 Weeks today. After the whole amnio drama am even more relieved to be here. By tomorrow we should be through our miscarriage risk from that (doc said 2 weeks).

Things that have happened this week:

Christmas! This year was a good Christmas. We went to my Mums and spent the day with her, my sister and family. It was a very early start as her two sons were far too excited to sleep but the day was great. Lovely present from lovely fella - a weekend away in a posh hotel in Oxford - while I'm still able to move!
I was lying in the bath a few days ago and looked down at my belly. It was bigger just to the left of my belly button. Feeling it I could feel a curve of something about the size of my hand (I have small hands). I kept feeling it all day, hoping it was a baby rather than my intestines! Eventually I gave it a poke and it moved to the other side of my belly button!
My belly has grown significantly this week. I still think it looks more like I'm carrying a cake baby than anything else but, naked, there is a real pregnancy curve to it. This saturday just gone I was up 3 pounds on the week before - Christmas or growing babies? I'm just over a stone heavier now - all on my belly and boobs.
Boxing Day I woke up with a very swollen boob. My sister said it was normal but should go away (it did).
I spoke to my other sister Christmas Day. She asked if I was having heartburn, I said no. Since then it has arrived! So far milk is sorting it out.

What most of the above have highlighted is that I am a first time pregnancy lady. I honestly have no clue what is normal and what is not. I'm worrying that we'll get Twin to Twin transfusion syndrome so am freaking out at any change in case that's what it is. Stupid thing is with pregnancy you change day to day. You are in a constant state of change (and therefore worry in my case).

I want to only pull the emergency brake at the right time but when that is? God knows and I don't.

Lovely fella reminds me we are having very regular scans (next one due 30th Dec) and that's the doctors job. He is right of course. I just want to be a good mum to my babies. The protectiveness thing has definitely hit.

Anyway hope you all had a good Christmas and thank you for reading my random musings. x

16 Weeks

2011-12-20T07:46:00.000-08:00

Today I'm 16 weeks pregnant and half way through (if triplets are born at the average of 32 weeks). That's a bit weird isn't it? Don't think I'm even really showing much yet.

Had another scan today. Doc wanted to check the amniotic fluid, which is looking fine - so if there's a leak its hopefully healed. He did say to rest as much as possible. Oh dear I'm going to have to laze around a bit. Shame!

He also checked for Twin to Twin transfusion syndrome (which is a concern for the identical twins). One twin was showing a little smaller than the other last time. He didn't measure today as it was only a week since the last scan but other signs look good. Signs to worry about is no amniotic fluid in one sac and that baby having nothing in their bladder. Both babies were looking fine (with working bladders) today and good blood flow to both. It doesn't mean it won't develop but it doesn't look like its happening now. The later it develops (if it does) the better. Apparently if it doesn't happen by 24 weeks its very unlikely.

So at the moment, this brief moment, we don't have anything major to worry about. Just in time for Christmas. Hurrah!

The results (preliminary)

2011-12-16T10:45:00.001-08:00

Just got my preliminary amnio results. Twin 1 negative for downs, Edwards and patau. Twin 2 they had less cells but negative for downs and patau. Because they are identical should be fine for Edwards too. Full results after Christmas.

Plus the identical twins are boys! Just rang my lovely fella on his Christmas do to tell him. Had him in tears outside the pub.

Today is a good day :)

What a day!

2011-12-15T01:43:00.000-08:00

So yesterday was the scan. After a quick check that all babies were still wriggling we discussed amnio. I wanted to talk through the risks involved but with a 20-30% chance of genetic problems with the twins we agreed it was worth doing.

They say amnio is like having a blood test. Not so much for me! It reminded me more of injections during ivf and trying to force blunt needles through my skin. Not fun. The doc was trying to sample both twins with 1 needle stick but they kept wriggling about so he ended up having to do two. I swear by that point if he'd said he needed to do a third I would have refused.

It was a relief when it was all over and a quick scan confirmed babies were fine. We had to wait for a bit then lovely fella went to get the car and I arranged to see him at the entrance of the hospital. But while I was walking to the door I felt suddenly wet. I went to the loo and my pants and trousers were wet.

So I went straight back to the clinic. They sent me up to the gynaecological ward. We waited and eventually I was told to lie on a bed. The doc who did the amnio turned up ( he'd come back to work just to check on me) and he checked my cervix - closed and no sign of fluid leakage. He also did another scan - babies still fine. We were sent home with numbers to ring 24 hours if any more fluid leaks.

I have been told to rest and do nothing for a few days. I presume there was a small leakage of amniotic fluid and hopefully it's sealed. Hopefully that's all sorted now.

Got home at 8.30pm and had to text/ring people. Texted my boss to tell him and ask him to cancel meetings the next day. He texted back that he was on annual leave and could I do it. Am I being unreasonable thinking that is a shitty thing to do? He wasn't away or anything. If I were someone's boss I'd have said 'no probs, you just relax.' so I had to try to sort that as well.

My mum spent five minutes on the phone telling me how awful it all was so surprisingly when she wanted to come up today I turned that offer down. I don't need the stress!

So now we hope that there's no more fluid and wait for the amnio result. Initial results are due tomorrow.

15 Weeks

2011-12-13T02:58:00.000-08:00

Dangling here at 15 weeks and waiting for the scan tomorrow. Part of me doesn't want the amnio tomorrow - I'm scared of the risks - but another part of me knows its a sensible step and a minimal risk. Ah but what if?

Honestly this pregnancy thing is so hard - like walking along a knife edge - just wondering how far you can get before you fall off or slice your feet up. Don't get me wrong - I am not regretting being pregnant but I kinda thought that after the initial 12 weeks the stress would die off for a bit.

I just want to lie down, rub my belly and cuddle my lovely fella. I shall do that tonight.

Stress Multiplied

2011-12-12T00:55:00.001-08:00

Stress has a tendency to multiply. Have you noticed? If you are worried about something other aspects of your life seem to go badly as well. Is it caused by your attitude? Or are the gods just chucking poo at you?

Obviously I'm very worried about the pregnancy. I want all my babies now and am very focussed upon that goal.

Randomly work is now very stressful. My boss seems to be looking for any chance to lay the boot in. Everyone else is being more arsey too. Last week I was in tears a few nights because of work.

Dreaded coming in today and before 9am my boss had already upset me by criticising an action I'd done (copying the big boss in). When he sent his apology a few minutes later (as his criticism was unfair) he DIDN'T copy the big boss in. Funny that.

The worst thing is every time I get upset I have to question myself - Is it hormonal? Am I genuinely pissed off?

Who knows - but today I'm feeling like quitting. (And I can't!)

14 Weeks

2011-12-06T00:23:00.000-08:00

14 weeks today. Yesterday we had our scan. It took ages! Its all getting quite complicated in there. All 3 babies are still going. All have healthy heartbeats and anatomically look fine.

The poorly baby looks better than it did. Its nucal measurement is now normal. The consultant says that either it IS fine or both twins have something going on. He's suggesting amnio to check for chromosomal issues.

We're due back on the 14th for another scan to see it anything else is going on. At the moment though we may have 3 healthy babies...further scans/tests should help us find out. The consultant has said that our best chance for a healthy full term pregnancy is to reduce both twins.

My mum rang afterwards (I'd texted her on the way home with an update).
'I don't know what to say,' she said, 'I mean its positive but it makes things harder doesn't it?'

Yes mum thanks for that.

The problem that I now have is that after watching them on the screen with the wiggling hands, kicking feet, little hearts, flexing spines and little noses I want them all - Mr Logic has left the building.

13 Weeks

2011-11-29T00:29:00.000-08:00

Today I'm 13 weeks pregnant. Bit weird innit? If I were normal I could start telling people. Well this week I decided to pretend to be normal and have been telling people. It's going to show soon anyway because my belly seems to be growing by the hour.

My tiredness is lifting. I have seen 10.30pm again! Crazy times. Sickness is also going although I still have to eat sat very upright. My back keeps getting very stiff though but its not that bad...yet.

Other symptom is the occasional weird tickly feeling in my belly. Movement or wind? Never felt it before in my life so I'm hoping movement but it is maybe too early for that - although with 3 of them in there they may be more pushed forward than with a singleton. Whatever it is I like it.

I think we are both tense about the appointment next week but it may be that we don't know much more afterwards, apart from whether they will see us at Kings. In one way I just want to get on with it then, hopefully, relax and try to enjoy the rest of the pregnancy. In another way I just want to hide and pretend everything is ok. Hopefully soon it will be.

12 weeks

2011-11-24T01:05:00.000-08:00

Tuesday I hit 12 weeks. Yet another milestone I didn't expect to see and a little bittersweet. If I were 'normal' I'd be able to start telling people now and planning for my babies arrival. I might even start shopping.

I think we're a month or two away from that but I am determined to get there.

It has been like a switch was flicked though because since then been feeling much less tired. Its like magic!

This week I've started dropping my oestrogen and progesterone so by mid next week the only thing sustaining this pregnancy will be me. Bit scary but I won't be sad to be rid of the progesterone pessaries.

Just rang for some blood test results and my progesterone was 97 last week and TSH 0.76. So all good.

Next doctors appointment is the 5th December so now we are on countdown for that.

Intuition and Research

2011-11-18T02:27:00.001-08:00

You know the weird thing about the scan was that I already knew the result. A week or so ago I asked myself what was going on inside. My intuition (or whatever you want to call it) told me that the baby on the right was fine. The baby on the left at the front was fine but the baby at the back wasn't. This is exactly what the scan showed.

Not sure what exactly that proves but if I think something is wrong I'm calling someone.

Since the scan I've been doing research (research helps me) and found this article:

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/16522413

It looks at the outcomes of the laser cord procedure we'd have to go to London for. The stats seem a lot better than we were expecting (83% survival rate for the other twin). I think I spy a tiny bit of hope.

Scan Results

2011-11-16T03:30:00.001-08:00

Went off to the hospital first thing this morning. Lovely fella and I very nervous. Results are..welll...here are the results.

Baby 1 - The one baby on its own (in its own sac) is fine, good heartbeat and thin nuchal measurement (low risk of downs or other things).

The twins aren't mono amniotic (yay!) but do share a placenta.

Baby 2 - 1 twin is fine, good heartbeat and thin nuchal measurement.

Baby 3 - The other twin is not fine. It has lots of excess fluid and nuchal measurement nearly 5mm (high!). The consultant says its unlikely to be Downs (or anything genetic) as the other identical twin shows no sign. He thinks its 'severe structural issues.' Baby 3 is not particularly viable by the sounds of it.

So here are our options:

- See what nature does. Twin 3 might just die but there is a risk that this might affects Baby 2 in ways that would not necessarily be obvious until after birth.
- Reduce both twins. Risk to Baby 1 is 25%.
- Reduce Baby 3. This is a specialist thing and we would need to go to London for it. There is a higher risk this'd affect Baby 2 and maybe the entire pregnancy.

We are going back to the consultant on the 5th December. In the meantime he's going to find out the success rates in London. If there's a good chance to save 2 babies I'm taking it.

11 weeks

2011-11-15T00:39:00.000-08:00

Well here we are at 11 weeks. As I say every week - I never thought we'd get here! Feeling quite chirpy today, despite the hospital appointment looming tomorrow.

Weekend was good, except for a fish and chip issue on Friday night. We have a lovely gluten free chippie so lovely fella was dispatched to get some for tea. Afterwards though I was really uncomfortable, had eaten too much. By bed time I felt so nauseus I was sick! Second time this pregnancy and not something I can say I enjoyed. Although I did feel much better later.

Saturday we went bathroom shopping. We don't have a shower at the moment and I figure babies and baths ain't gonna work. When am I going to have time for a bath? So we're looking at getting a new bathroom fitted. Gawd knows how much the fitting is going to cost but we've got the suite etc for less than a grand.

Sunday my mum was due up but cancelled as she had a cold coming. Instead we went bathroom shopping again (B&Q it was rubbish) and I chatted with my sister. There's a whole 'where are we going for Christmas' drama looming which I hope will be sorted easily because both my sister and my husband have rather entrenched positions.

The choice is between my Mums and my sisters to host. Mum's means meat, Sisters means vegetarian Christmas (hubbie NOT happy about this!). Mum's house isn't big enough for everyone to stay because sister has invited her in laws. We've offered to just come for the day but Mum won't have it. We MUST stay over! Sister won't just come for the day and MUST stay for 2 nights (we all live about 1.5 hours away from Mums).

Lovely fella is annoyed my sister is being so 'everyone must work around us' so has got on his high horse now and refuses to go to my sisters for veggie Christmas.

And me? I just want the least stress possible. I'd far rather have Christmas at my Mums as I'm particularly meat obsessed at the moment (we've offered to cook). I've suggested to my sis that the issue really is her in laws (which obviously it isn't really) and can they tell them to bugger off. That way everyone can stay at mums. Hopefully that'll work but otherwise we might be having Christmas at home - which my mum will get really upset about.

And breathe! I keep saying as long as we get some days at home to chill I'm happy. I could just really do with the holiday. Am looking forward to some jigsaw time.

So quick symptom etc review. Nausea still here but not as bad as others have it and generally worse at night. Tiredness some days is just crazy. Last night I was exhausted from 7 but held out until 9. I should't have really but otherwise I'd only have about 2 waking hours not at work!

Boobs are HUGE and I really need to buy a new bra. Its just a case of motivating myself to get up at lunchtime and go into work. Had a migraine yesterday (panic as I couldn't figure out what painkiller I was allowed to take!) which, I think, means I need more thyroid meds so hopefully they can do that test tomorrow.

Weight - I'm up 5 pounds all together. I have no idea if that's good, bad or what. Am just carrying on eating what I want when I want it....as far as possible.

Doppler - After doing more research on Dr Google I do wonder if it did work after all. A couple of times I picked up a very faint but fast 'pat, pat, pat' noise that went again. I wonder if that was a heart on a moving baby. We'll find out tomorrow.

Yesterday

2011-11-11T00:23:00.001-08:00

Yesterday was a strange old day. First I read online a woman talking about her first scan, how they saw first one heartbeat and then another...how her and her husband cried with joy. I read this and thought 'Wow! Joy and no fear that must be amazing.' I was a bit jealous and ashamed of being so.

Lunchtime I spent with one of my best friends. She's had a terrible time trying to conceive - 3 pregnancies have led to two miscarriages and 1 medical termination (the baby couldn't have survived). She's trying IVF early next year with genetic testing of the embryos. I so hope this works for her. She has very definitely suffered enough.

It just serves to remind me not to count any chickens.

In the afternoon a parcel turned up - a doppler. After the appointment was postponed I figured a doppler would help get me through - just hearing some heartbeats. So as soon as we got home we went upstairs to give it a go.
'This says it doesn't work until 14 weeks.' Lovely fella pointed out.
'Yeah but I've read of people finding heartbeats at 9 weeks.' I retort. So we try. And try. No heartbeats. I started to get stressed.

Being a logical sort lovely fella suggested I listen to my own heart beat. I put the doppler on top of my breast - no heartbeat! I put it above - heartbeat!
'So,' says lovely fella 'You can't hear your own heart through your boob and you're getting stressed you can't hear a tiny baby heart through your belly.'

My belly isn't huge any more but its not un...er...padded. So I had to concede that maybe lovely fella had a point and I probably hadn't had a missed miscarriage of 3 babies. Still it didn't help - it didn't make me feel better about the waiting and that was the whole point of the purchase.

Lovely fella came to bed about 11.30 last night, which was the depths of the night to me, and I went to the loo (as I do every time I wake up). Wiped and...pink. Panic! Haven't bled since 6 weeks. Went back to bed (nothing to do really unless it speeds up), slept fitfully, and woke again about 3. This time there was just a tiny bit of old blood. All fine.

So all round a helluva day. Here's hoping today is a better one.

10 weeks

2011-11-08T00:31:00.000-08:00

So here we are at 10 weeks. Another milestone I wasn't expecting. Feeling less sick - but I'm not sure whether I'm just better at handling it. Still as tired and about 3 times more weepy. Honestly I was watching TV on Friday and the adverts were all charity adverts - I was in bits!

Decision on the babies is still the same - if we can do this with good odds of a good outcome then we're in, if not we will look at reducing. We'll have more idea on the 16th. Hopefully! I'm also a bit scared that when we have the scan they'll be nothing there! I've ordered a doppler so we can check for heartbeats.

So lets talk food. I'm still intuitive eating - which is basically, at the moment, eating whatever I want. Its rather carb heavy (potato and pitta bread being big favs) but also I get very excited by fruit and vegetables. So far I've put on 4 pounds. I don't know if they give you any weight goals over here (I think they do in the USA) but I read if you are having twins 7 pounds in the first trimester is ok (presumably if you start at normal weight).

I'm arranging my last delivery of progesterone (10 EUROS for the drugs, 40 EUROS for delivery!) and will start stepping those down from week 13. Not long now! I've dropped the tea time progesterone as of yesterday because I havent had any spotting for weeks now, so just 2 in the morning and 2 at night.

So just chugging along really but in a mainly chirpy way.

A good friend is worth more than all the gold in the world

2011-11-04T03:24:00.001-07:00

My best friend came round Wednesday night and just listened to me. And cuddled me when I cried. Didn't judge and didn't tell me what to do. All she said was that we must think of ourselves and what we could handle - that part of being a good mum is caring for yourself as well.

I feel so much better. So much.

I can wait now until the scan. I've decided to try to stay off Dr Google and try to have a few weeks just enjoying this absolute miracle going on inside me.

Not the 10th

2011-11-02T08:59:00.000-07:00

Hospital just rang me to cancel appointment on the 10th November. So we are back to the 16th. I cried on the phone. I'm too pregnant to be told I've got to wait longer. I'm finding this waiting quite tortuous.

9 Weeks today

2011-11-01T01:57:00.001-07:00

Well here we are at 9 weeks - cheerier than at 8 weeks! Last week I went to the midwife, had an hours appointment and was sent away with lots of leaflets. I feel officially pregnant now!

We have an appointment with the multiple birth consultant on the 10th. They'll scan us there and, hopefully, advise us on what to do...if anything. At the moment our decision is: If we have a good chance of getting 3 healthy babies we'll keep all 3 but if the risks are too great we'll have a reduction.

Obviously I don't want to. I wanted to be pregnant and it seems churlish to send one back...to say the least. However the risks in general seem so great. I was reading that, on average, 50% of triplet parents either lose one or more baby and/or have a disabled child. I don't think I'd feel happy chancing a high risk of disability for my child - it is fair to risk that? The disability would be caused by being one of 3 not by genetics.

I also worry about having a disabled child(ren) as well as other kids. Triplets tend to develop later as they get less individual attention - how much less attention would they get if one were disabled? How much less would the disabled one get than they needed? It seems so unfair on them.

On top of that we're just praying that they aren't monoamnoitic.

I'm still hoping that, when we go to the hospital, they say 'Ignore those stats. Ours are much better.' Fingers crossed for that.

Apart from that moral maze I'm feeling more tired and a bit sicker. I'm not anywhere near as sick as some people are - I just feel a bit sick most of the time. But I think I might be more tired than average. Most days at the moment by about 4 I'm so tired its hard not to cry. I've also managed to develop a rash in various places than I'm trying to sort out. Not pleasant.

Food - cravings are for pitta bread (gluten free of course) and milk. I've put on 4 pounds so far.

My family keep trying to give me money, which is nice but awkward. My sister leant us money for the last IVF and wants to write that off. My mum wants to give us 'an advance' on her will! Its all very odd.

I'm still not entirely convinced that through this worry, sickness, tiredness and weird conversations, they'll be babies at the end of it. Oh I hope there is.

8 Week Today

2011-10-24T23:59:00.001-07:00

8 weeks, tired and very stressed out today. My 3 closest friends had a weekend away recently with drunken friend. They drank with her (!) and had a lovely time. Whilst there they seem to have decided what I should do about the babies as I've seen two of them seperately and they've both said exactly the same line 'They're only babies for a short while. It'll be hard then but easier later.' So basically I'm getting stressed over nothing!

Here's what my research has uncovered...
Chance of live birth
- Single baby - 99%
- Twins - 98%
- Triplets - 79%

Triplets have a 5% chance of Cerebral palsy (which I was thinking was a bad chest thing but noooo its mental retardation and physical problems as well) - twins and singles much less.

Average week of gestation when born...
- single - c40 weeks
- twins - 38 weeks
- triplets - 34 weeks

So then you throw in prematurity as well and all the issues and dangers that come along with that. They would definitely be in hospital after birth for weeks to months.

THEN you look at Monozygotic monoamniotic twins (which they think we have).

Risk of losing both - 50-100% (yes you read that right!)

To try to prevent this you have to go into hospital as an inpatient from 26 weeks and be monitored constantly. Then if there's any issue with the babies you have a caesarean straight away.

And then there's higher risks to me as well - blood clots, heart attacks plus the definite caesarean.

So the idea of taking home 3 perfect healthy babies seems a really long way away at the moment!

What annoys me if that everyone else has an opinion about what we should do without having the facts. But even if they did - isn't it their job to support me? If we do decide to reduce the pregnancy (which carries its own risks) is it really going to help having my friends judge me on that as well?

ARGH!

And me...what do I think? I don't want to choose. I want healthy babies. I want to be able to be happy I'm pregnant without worrying all the time. I'm just scared I'm not going to get what I want.

Second scan

2011-10-20T01:39:00.000-07:00

Last night we had our second scan. First we saw the two sacs were still there....both with babies in, as you can see.

They both have good strong heartbeats and are measuring the right length for their age.

Then the consultant checked to see if the twin was still there.

Its not letting me post the scan for some reason but both twins are still there.

The consultant was rather full of doom and gloom. The twins might share the same inner sac (mo-mo twins) which means they can strangle each other with umbilical cords. Its risky.

We're being referred to a specialist in multiple pregnancies to see what they advise but at the moment I'm expecting them to recommend a reduction. We'll see in a week or two when we see them.

7 Weeks

2011-10-17T23:56:00.000-07:00

Today I'm 7 weeks pregnant. Again a milestone I did not think I would achieve. Symptom-wise all the same symptoms but just a bit worse - more tired, more sick.

Food craving have settled to baked potatoes, white chocolate and citrus fruit. Not all together you understand, although two would go well together. I'm still intuitive eating - just having whatever I want, when I want it. It is a bit trickier as, at the moment, sometimes I'm eating not because I'm hungry but because it stops me feeling sick. Still I was 215 pounds this morning, up 2 pounds from week 4. Not too shabby I'd say, especially as there's 3 in there!

This week I've visited my Thyroid doctor. They are aiming to keep my TSH under 2.5. Last time they checked it was 2 but he sent me for another test just in case.

I've also been back to the GPs, who is very apologetic about not being able to prescribe progesterone for me. I have an appointment with the local midwife next Friday. I'm also waiting to hear from the hospital because they will be managing most of my care as a 'high risk' pregnancy (cos of the 3 babies).

I don't mind being called high risk if it means I get more checks and scans. I obviously don't want to actually BE high risk but we have a scan tomorrow to see if all 3 babies are carrying on.

I have had more spotting, relating to me lifting a heavy bag last Thursday. Its stopped now. I seem to think that if a bag is full of fruit or something healthy its ok to lift!

I should know at this point what fruit my babies match in size..lemme have a google...ah the size of a grape. Practically a bunch in there at the moment!

Middle of the Night Thoughts

2011-10-13T23:56:00.000-07:00

Last night, in the middle of the night, I woke up and for the first time, without any stress, I got to think what a total miracle is going on inside me. In the day time I am worrying about what's going on in there, how would we cope with triplets or twins, what if we lose them all, what if we get them all, will they be healthy, will they be premature? Sooooo many worries.

But there in the dead of night, just me with my hand on my belly I just felt the sheer amazingness of it.

An Embarassment of Riches

2011-10-13T00:06:00.000-07:00

We had our six week scan last night. My lovely fella and I were so nervous that I did a pregnancy test beforehand just to check that there was going to be something there!

As soon as he turned the scanner on we saw this.

Two sacs! In the one on the right you can see a little ball....that's a baby! The consultant said that he didn't think one had developed in the left hand one so he went to check on the right.

As he zoomed in we saw a flashing white light - the heartbeat! He measured it and said it was perfect..then, as he zoomed out he said 'I think there's another one in this sac!"

There was! You can just see 2 balls in there....that's identical twins! Another heartbeat.

Then he said 'I'll just check the second sac.' And there was another embryo, smaller than the other two and with a slower heartbeat. He says that this one might not last.

So there you go. Triplets! We only had 2 embryo's put back!

We're just utterly stunned. I'm thrilled with twins but, honestly, scared of triplets. We have another scan next wednesday to see if they are all carrying on.

Six Weeks

2011-10-11T05:37:00.001-07:00

So as of today I am 6 weeks pregnant. Didn't think I'd get here but here I am. Spotting had finished on Friday before I got home and hasn't returned.

So symptoms - All the previous ones plus the morning sickness is really building up. I know its a very good sign but it is quite grim really. I seem to feel sick when hungry AND when full...so there's a tiny place in between where I feel ok. No actual vomiting yet but hey, there's a long way to go. (.)(.) are bigger and more painful. They woke me up a few nights ago and not to tell me a joke!

Still don't entirely/at all believe that this whole stress, nausea, weepiness and elation is going to actually lead to a baby. No, that's not quite right - I can't even believe that there is something going on in there - despite the many signs.

I had a dream a few days ago that I lost my children and lovely fella. I had to do various tasks and finally a judge awarded me my 2 kids and lovely fella back. Then it was Christmas and I went into the living room and my dad (who died) was there too. I was so happy but thought 'Does this mean I have to go to your funeral again?' Very odd.

Tomorrow we have the ultrasound scan. Here's hoping for a heartbeat, or maybe two....in the right place.

2011-10-07T10:39:00.000-07:00

Today I told the last of my close friends that I was pregnant. She rang at lunchtime so I was at work chatting in the corridor. She was so happy for me.

Afterwards I went to the loo, wiped....blood! Argh! Just packed my bags, went home and had a progesterone pessary.

From bed I rang the GPs and was told to ring NHS direct. Rang them and was assessed by a nurse - no pain, no heavy bleeding so she sent me back to the GPs. I left a message for the GP and emailed the clinic to ask if I should increase the pessaries. Clinic said not to worry and not to increase. GP said to call if it got worse and advised on what to do out of hours.

Checked again and it had stopped. It's now 4 hours later and it's still stopped. Dr Google assures me that without pain light bleeding is nothing to worry about - wish I could take that to heart.

Maybe this is the way it'll be. Bleeding then panic for no reason.
I am so scared of losing what I've struggled so hard to achieve. Please stay baby.

Scan Wednesday night. If there is a heart beat the chance of miscarriage drops below 10%.

Like a spurned lover

2011-10-03T09:41:00.000-07:00

I tell you the NHS is acting like a dumped boyfriend over this pregnancy. I just went to the GPs to see if they could prescribe the progesterone and oestrogen I'm taking. 'no' the GP said because I didn't have my treatment on the NHS.

The thyroid consultant rang me last week and questioned whether I wanted my pregnancy care from the NHS. 'well you did have your treatment privately' he said in judgmental tones.

The NHS refused to treat me because I was too fat then when I lost over 100 pounds still refused to treat me because by then I was too old. Then they go in a mood because I pay my money elsewhere!! ridiculous.

Anyway GP today did prescribe meds, which may have had something to do with my blubbing uncontrollably, but needs to check it with the medical defence union.

I used to work for the NHS. I do understand about legal liability but for gods sake just give us a break here. How much has this cost me so far emotionally as well as financially. I thought the NHS was there to help when you needed it. Not so much in my case.

PS The post above (now edited) is an example of why you should never post from your iphone. Bloody autocorrect!

Day 19

2011-10-02T02:10:00.000-07:00

So here we are at Day 19. Two more days and I'll be 5 weeks pregnant. I've NEVER been 5 weeks pregnant. I have moments of utter elation and the rest of the time I just can't quite believe it.

I haven't had any spotting since Tues night/Wed morning and am starting to relax...a bit. Obviously there's a long road between here and bringing home a baby but statistically it's more likely to work than not. I'm going with the stats. I'm not going to spend the next 8-10 weeks panicking. It's not going to change everything if I do or not. I'd rather have my moments of elation.

We have a scan booked in for the 12th October (6 week scan) so that's the next hurdle. In the meantime I'm building up an impressive list of signs and symptoms:
- Fatigue. Oh so tired. I am exhausted by 9pm and at many points throughout the day. I've been having a mid day snooze but that's not going to be possible when I'm back at work. We've also got 3 evenings at the theatre coming up in the next month and I'm a bit worried as it's past my new bedtime. I'm going to try coming home after work, having a nap then going out.
- Cravings and aversions. My salt craving has faded a bit. This week its been milky things (milk, yoghurt, white chocolate) and fish - not together! I rarely eat fish but have had it twice this week. I don't really like fish that much so its been in batter but my body seemed to really want it. If it carries on I'll have to try cooking it without the batter! Any ideas? I only really like fish that isn't very fishy - fish fingers, chip shop fish etc plus it has to be gluten free (we have a great gluten free fish and chip shop nearby).
- Nausea. This isn't major yet - just a taste of things to come. I feel a bit sick most of the time, just a touch. Food makes it better. I'm also getting a very dry mouth which leads to the next symptom.
- Thirst. I could drink a river dry. Which leads to the next symptom.
- Very frequent weeing. Honestly it's ridiculous!
- Emotional. Overall I'm very content. Just blissed out really. I can also cry at the drop of a hat. Put a cute puppy on TV and I'm gone.
- Sore (.)(.)
- Constipated
- Dizzy

Foodwise I'm carrying on with my intuitive eating. No calorie counting, no recording my food - just eating what I want and stopping when I'm full. I am definitely eating more. Maybe an extra 200 calories. I'm just hungrier more often but then my body is really busy growing an extra person (or maybe 2 extra people). I think I'm eating up to a maintenance level. Having said that I lost a pound this week.

Weird isn't it? I'm pregnant!!!!

Day 16

2011-09-29T00:47:00.000-07:00

Had a bit more spotting tuesday night. Clinic advised me to add extra pessary and rest. Am having the rest of the week off work. Spotting has now stopped. It was either the extra pessary or just that I am inserting them more carefully. I wonder if it was just cos I scratched myself! Am off for a thyroid blood test in a min. Need my levels checking ASAP. Am going to be referred to prenatal clinic. Have appointment at the GPs Monday to report into them and hopefully get a repeat prescription for oestrogen and progesterone. Still can't really believe it but everyone else seems to!

Day 13 and Day 14

2011-09-27T07:36:00.000-07:00

Day 13 I did a test - instantly positive. Got very excited then went to work and it all got lost in the new student maelstrom (I work at a University). Very tired by the time I got home, had to lie on the sofa. Lovely fella made tea and generally fussed me. I was in bed by 9.30.

Day 14 - Woke up feeling feverish. Worried it was all going wrong again. Did a test - instantly positive. Did pessaries and went back to bed. When I got up half an hour later there was a little bit of brown blood when I wiped. Panicked. Was sure it was all over. Kept checking. Emailed clinic. Then it stopped.

Clinic got back to me and said not to worry, to increase progesterone if it carries on. Went for HCG blood test. Spent the day at work trying not to think about it.

Just had the call....positive....HCG - 172. Consultant said it might indicate multiples. Rang lovely fella and thyroid consultant.

Am still at work. Utterly stunned.

Peace

2011-09-25T04:25:00.001-07:00

Back from Spain, there's washing in the machine, it's cold outside and lovely fella is in the bath after his run. It's time for a holiday/IVF review.

Intuitive Eating
Have been eating exactly what I wanted and (mostly) stopping when I was full. Sometimes this was grieving - I had the most gorgeous steak and chips but was full half way through. I left it even though it seemed criminal.

One night I had a spag bol and although I was full half way through I wouldn't stop eating it. Afterwards I was SO uncomfortable it was painful and really taught me a lesson. I also realised I hadn't felt like that after any other meal.

So all in all I was quite pleased with how things had gone. When I got home I was scared to go on the scales - I had a big debate with myself as to whether I should just think that I had eaten intuitively most of the time and see that as a good result - if the scales then showed a big gain would that make it a failure? I didn't know what to do. In the end the big white judge called me and I got on....normally I put on at least 7 pounds on holiday. This time I lost a pound.

What does this mean? That I can trust myself. That my body is not my enemy. That we are no longer at war.

Donor IVF
I think IVF abroad definitely has things going for it. Waiting is far less stressful lying by the pool rather than being at work. I didn't find that I had more time to think, in fact less as we played a lot of Scrabble and Settlers - both of which require full concentration.

So to signs and portents - I am VERY dizzy, tiredness comes in waves during the day and I have to go to bed early, I'm clumsy, cheese tastes awful and milk smells like cat food. I am craving salt, salt, salt (and veg). My (.)(.) are huge and my nipples are very dark.

As I said before I know I am pregnant but it is different this time - the cravings are different (salt not tomatoes), I am far more dizzy and more tired. I'm very thirsty. My intuition says this IS different.
So to actual facts. I did a test day 10 - negative. Tested this morning (day 12) - negative but now faintly positive. The tests I bought are internet cheapies and not designed for early testing - why did I do that again? Anyway will buy some others today and test again tomorrow (day 13).

Our HCG blood test is on Tuesday (day 14). As before anything over 25 you are pregnant. 6-24 is the lost zone. 5 and below you are not. The clinic has said if the result is under 85 they want another test 48 hours later.

So come on embabies...grow, grow, GROW.

3dp6dt

2011-09-22T05:48:00.000-07:00

Still in Spain. Flying back Saturday. Am having positive symptoms - waves of tiredness, cramps and flutterings. I've been pregnant lots before (never lasted) so I'm pretty sure I am but obviously am hoping it'll last this time. Lovely fella is being very good and looking after me. Am liking it!

Blood test booked for Tuesday but I'm going to test beforehand. I bought tests that only show if you have over 20 HSG. Last time I had 9 - and miscarried. This time if I get a positive I'll know I have more than 20.

Will start testing tomorrow - Day 10. Probably too early but lets see.

0 days past 6 day transfer

2011-09-19T06:24:00.000-07:00

Day six transfer. Back from the clinic with two blasts on board. Fiona said they'd implant in the next few hours. Already had a sharp pop feeling right in my womb. Fingers crossed.

Anyway no frosties. Had five embryos going yesterday but embryologist wanted to wait and three have stopped developing. Wish we had frosties as this is our last try but so glad we have embabies on board.

Cloudy day here in Marbella which is good because it's been soooooo hot. I am such a wuss. I am covered in itchy heat rash. Anyway am lying on sofa now watching lovely fella hang washing out. Ahhh this is the life! Before the stress starts in a few days! At least with a six day transfer the 2 week wait is a lot shorter!

Go embies grow!

2011-09-16T11:14:00.000-07:00

Another quick update. Our six embies are still going! Apparently 5 are very good and the sixth might catch up. We are going for day 5 or 6 transfer. Exciting but nervewracking!

A dozen

2011-09-15T01:56:00.000-07:00

Quick report. We had to have icsi. 6 embryos. Will find out tomorrow whether we are going to blastocyst or not.

It is weird here because you are on holiday but you are not. There's a lot of waiting and it's nice to do it here but it's still not like a normal holiday.

And we begin. IVF mark 2

2011-09-13T05:01:00.000-07:00

Am here in Marbella. It's hot! Egg collection was today (Tues) and we have at least 6 eggs - they were still counting when we went. Have paid for treatment so that's a lot of cash we are not carrying around. Phew!

Clinic will ring tomorrow with fertilisation report and tell us whether we needed icsi. We probably will as we did last time. Then we just wait to find out what day they want to do transfer.

Just sitting by the pool listening to the sea lapping against the shore. It's a much more relaxed wait than last time!

Here

2011-09-11T04:10:00.000-07:00

Am here in Marbella. Weather hot and sunny. Flat small but right on the beach. Did yoga this morning and all I could hear was the sea. Gorgeous.

Only internet connection is on lovely fellas phone so updates won't be frequent. But suffice to say I am very chilled.

Perfect!

2011-09-09T02:33:00.000-07:00

Finally heard yesterday, but only after chasing up the email, that our donor had been scanned that morning (this was at 4pm!). Egg collection planned for Monday.

Had a scan this morning and my lining is 'perfect.' It was supposed to be at least 8mm and mine was 10mm. The consultant we saw this morning was strongly advising us to go for a single embryo transfer as the risks of multiples is so high.

We had a chat on the way into work and we think we're sticking with 2. I wouldn't go for 3 as I do fear triplets. In a (probably silly) way the conversation actually made me feel quite excited - the consultant thinks we actually have a good chance of success. I might do a bit of consulting Dr Google but, from looking before, it seemed the risks went up ALOT between twins and triplets.

We are flying out to Spain tomorrow. I'm taking my netbook so will hopefully be fine to update here but if not you'll hear from me on the 25th.

ps Weight has stabilised in the last week.

Communication

2011-09-08T00:17:00.000-07:00

I'm waiting again. My donor was due to have a scan yesterday to see how the meds were going. I waited until 2pm then cracked and emailed the clinic. I said 'Dear F. Has our donor had her scan today? Or is she due? Thanks. Claire' I got the single line reply 'One is due today or tomorrow'

What is it about fertility clinics and communication? Are they all rubbish? Our first (NHS) one didn't really communicate at all except to tell me how fat I was. Our second seemed better then information was very random, confusing and finally they just told me how fat I was.

And now this one. What I'd have liked as a respone was 'Hi. Don't worry your donor is due in today or tomorrow. I'll email you as soon as we've seen her.' Or crazy idea - email me earlier in the morning with a similar message BEFORE I've worked myself into a frenzy.

See what I can't understand is that surely they know that their client group is women who suffered either multiple losses or the complete absence of success and either way are a little bit touchy. We're women who need coddling and handling carefully. Besides that we're also women paying thousands of pounds!

I will be really glad to be free of these clinics either way it goes.

7 Pounds

2011-09-06T00:12:00.000-07:00

So I have a confession..or is it just a fact? I'm up 7 pounds. Haven't overeaten. Averaging around 1550 calories. Put it all on in the last week.

I think that's been a big part of why I've felt so down on myself. I've been blaming myself for this weight gain...thinking you, my lovely readers, would judge me and think it's proof intuitive eating doesn't work.

I don't think that's true. I think its the oestrogen. Dr Google says it can inhibit thyroid hormones. Maybe that's it, maybe not but I think I'd be up 7 pounds whatever I'd eaten. I stayed the same all August (after 3 pounds pill jump) so I can do it.

In the book 'Intuitive Eating' they talk about ditching the diet mentality - not setting your mood according to what the scales say and ignoring that judging voice in your head. I've not done very well at that lately. I'm going to try to do better.

And so the experiment continues...

Rollercoaster

2011-09-05T05:28:00.000-07:00

Thank you for your comments on my previous post. They did really help.

Today I'm happy, the sun is shining and there are rabbits bouncing around everywhere. Saturday night I was weeping and the world was falling apart. It's very tiring.

I am full of confused emotions about having donor eggs. On one side I know its the best choice and best chance we have. I am also incredibly grateful to our donor and feel very warmly towards her.

On the other hand I wish it could be my eggs. I wonder, if it does work, will I look at my child with regret that I'm not genetically related. It won't make me love them less, more than the more I love them the more I'll want to share DNA.

But on the other hand I'm also rushing with excitement and feel like I've never loved my lovely fella more. Honestly I'm going to need this holiday just to try to level out a bit...ha! Bet that'll work!

Going into the garden to eat worms

2011-09-04T10:09:00.000-07:00

Been a hard weekend. I'm very emotional at the moment probably exacerbated by the drugs but I feel quite alone. I don't fit in at the dieting forum I frequent. I'm on a fertility forum but worry about posting my fears there because we are all just trying to keep our heads out of the water. I joined a forum online for intuitive eaters, posted an intro and got very little response. I feel like there's no support out there for me.

I got quite upset last night about the fact that this part of the ivf I have nothing to do with. I am so grateful to our donor already whatever happens but I do wish that it could be my eggs. I know this is the best choice but I have a lot of 'what ifs'. What if I started trying earlier? What if I had tests earlier? What if my issues werent just dismissed as weight related?

I just need to find a coeliac intuitive eaters going through ivf with hashimotos thyroiditis forum. Easy right?

Phew!

2011-09-02T01:54:00.001-07:00

So cracked and chased it up today. Did overeat (and drink) last night but only to about 1600 cals.

Turns out an email got lost/didn't get sent right and our donor started meds yesterday. All is going as planned. Woohoo!

Waiting....

2011-09-01T05:13:00.000-07:00

I'm waiting to hear from the clinic that my donor has started her medication. The plan was for it to do today but it will be whenever she starts her period - if she decides to go ahead of course.

I am frankly going a teeny tiny bit mental. Once we get over this hurdle I'll feel more confident that the IVF will go ahead.

This tension is making me want to emotionally eat. I want chocolate. As an intuitive eater I should (I think) find another outlet for my stress but I'm at work. I don't really have any outlet at work except for this blog.

So how do I feel?

ARGH!!!!!!

That is how I feel. I am relying upon a woman I never met to make my most cherished hopes and dreams come true. She doesn't know me, or know what I've been through. Does she have an idea how I'd feel if she didn't go ahead? Who knows! She might be inspired to donate eggs by seeing a family member or friend go through infertility - in which case she knows. She might simply be inspired by the money - in which case who knows!

Once the embryo's are in me then its my game and I know the rules. Up until then I have nothing to do with it and that makes me feel very helpless.

I was thinking earlier about my inability to trust in life. I really think it's odd when people say 'It'll all turn out fine' 'I just leave it all up to fate' or 'What'll be will be.' I just want to scream 'ARE YOU MENTAL? Don't you have a clue how bad things could be?'

It's very hard being an optimist that doesn't trust life! (And once more I press 'refresh' on my inbox)

What I DO trust is me. Once I'm involved I feel much more confident. I know I make things happen. I know I'm not flaky. I know I'm reliable. I know I will do anything I can to help me out.

Must be awful not to trust life OR yourself. (And refresh)

Oh god the waiting...the waiting!

Monthly Review

2011-08-30T00:16:00.000-07:00

Well it's nearly the end of the month so I thought I'd see how things are going. After 1 month of intuitive eating my weight is exactly the same. I'm happy with that. I've eaten exactly what I wanted and not piled on weight. Plus I'm on IVF drugs so I do wonder if I'd have lost otherwise.

I've exercised 18 times, again just when and what I wanted to do. For comparison, in July I exercised 12 times.

I have had 2 occasions of emotional eating - where I knew I wasn't hungry but ate anyway. Once it was IVF stress and the second (last night) was mother related stress. Neither time I ate loads but still I'd rather not do it.

Overall I think I've been more chilled than last time we did IVF but its still making me more stressed than I'd like. The yoga is helping loads.

We made lots of decisions about the IVF this month. Questions included:
1) How many embryo's to transfer - We're going with 2. We want to maximise our chances but the odds are good and I really fear triplets. Not going to turn them down if i get them but risks are higher.
2) Whether to freeze any remaining embryos. - Decided yes. We won't know whether we are done until 9 months down the line so we agreed to freeze for at least a year.
3) What to do with frozen embryo's if we don't want them any more - destroy, donate for research, donate for fertility treatment. This decision was easy for my lovely fella - he favoured donating for treatment. It was harder for me. I definitely didn't want to destroy them but find it really odd thinking that if i have a child (And I would to be deciding I don't need frozen embryos) that their sibling might be walking around as well. I know that my donor may well have kids so my kid would have half siblings but with my lovely fellas DNA as well? I just find that too hard to deal with. Plus how would the child feel?

I was feeling very conflicted and selfish about it but lovely fella just said 'if you're not 100% then we'll go for donate for research.' I instantly felt better but still sad. I hope this doesn't actually happen because none of these options are without emotional fallout for me.

Emotionally I think I've done a lot of work this month. I've realised:
1) That I have already gone through stressful times without piling on weight (i.e. last year!)
2) So I can trust myself and my body.
3) That my weight is not just a psychological barrier but a physical one as well. This was last nights realisation. I always knew my fat was mental padding, insulating me from, what I saw as, a scary world. I realised last night that I also used it as physical padding to keep 'me' away and safe. It's time to trust the world and, in truth, trust me.

Wonder what the update will be like next month?

Perfect

2011-08-24T07:40:00.000-07:00

Had my Day 3 Oestrogen test roday. Result was told to me over the phone... '44.' I had no idea if that was good or bad but emailed the clinic who said it was perfect and to start the progynova.

Woohoo! I've never been perfect before. Go me!

Am feeling very positive about this IVF. I know it could fail and I'm not building up silly hopes but it could work as well (they have 60% success rates). You never know.

I've also been enjoying my exercise this week. I've bought a couple of Yoga dvds - one I prefer more than the other. Turns out though that since I last did yoga (about 10 years ago) its gotten faster! MUCH faster. It's probably a totally different type but I like it. I did an hour on Monday, as well as running a bit (literally a bit - I just ran for 8 minutes on and off). My spine after the yoga felt very loose, in a good way, and I was very energised. I zipped around doing stuff, power walked up the shops, so all in all it was a very busy, very exercisey day. Ooh and in the yoga there was a move where you lie on your back, knees up and draw your feet up to...never mind I found a picture...see that man...well I can pretty much do that and I was AMAZED that I could. I'm so used to what my body can't do its nice to appreciate what it can.

Weightwise it went up a few pounds - not sure if this was the IVF drugs or my period but its coming down again now. Of course as I start a new set of drugs gawd knows what that'll do to my weight. Last IVF I put on at least half a stone. Well nothing I can do about that.

Food wise am loving my food more than ever. Here's yesterdays menu as an example...

Brekkie - Porridge with raisins and cinnamon

Snack - Apple with a few raisins

Lunch - Lentil Soup, a square of dark chocolate

Snack - Yoghurt

Tea - Chicken Stew

Snack - 2 small white wines, bowl strawberries, grapes and cherries with plain yoghurt.

I was having a really hungry day as well. Got to say the strawberries and cherries were utterly lush. In fact it was all, except for my afternoon weight watchers yoghurt, really nice. I'm changing yoghurts.

I am finding issues with counting calories though. Not that I'm going over because I'm not - but when I go far under - once I calculate it I think 'OOh what else can I have?' when I'm not even hungry. If I didn't count I couldn't be aiming FOR an amount - just eating what I want.

Like today I know all my meals will take me to less than 1000 and already my mind is saying 'oohh you could have something really high in calories' BUT my sensible mind is responding 'Yes you can if you want but not if you don't really want it.'

When we go to Spain I'll have 2 weeks to try intuitive eating without the scales or the calorie counting. Let's see how I do (Disclaimer: IVF may well add pounds so weight gain might not be an indicator of failure).

To be honest I just can't wait to be chilling on a balcony, overlooking the sea. In fact I just want to be here...and will be in 17 days.

Punctuality

2011-08-22T07:25:00.000-07:00

Today I was due to start my period ready for a blood test Wednesday and the start of a new drug - progynova. Weirdly I have actually started my period - as my lovely fella put it 'very punctual.'

It's a nice feeling because it's like my body is working as it should. A hopeful sign for the IVF.
This weekend we went down south and I ended up playing a D&D game. We went to some friends and there was a dungeon all laid out. I really enjoyed it! I was a big strong fighter and killed most of the baddies - go me!

That evening I was offered a Dime bar. Haven't had ones for years but knew they were gluten free. Had one and it was lush, in all its teeth sticking glory. I nearly took another not because I actually wanted it but because I felt like if I didn't that would be my chance lost. So I told myself I could buy a packet when I got home and the urge went.

Funny how often my urge to eat things (when its not about hunger) is actually fear it won't be there when I do want it. When we were kids my Mum and Dad would go shopping on a Thursday. Thursday night was gorge night. We'd have fish and chips for tea then they'd go shopping. They'd return with ice cream, cakes, crisps, fruit - all sorts of loveliness. We knew we had to eat it because once it was gone there was nothing til the next Thursday. I know a week isn't a long time to wait but it did cause stress if my sister was sat there eating crisps I knew I'd better have a packet or they might well be gone by the end of the night. That wasn't just junk food but fruit as well - actually anything we could help ourselves to.

I was an emotional eater then as well as now. Now I have enough money to buy myself whatever I want to eat when I want it and don't need to panic like that again. Just reminding myself of that can really help calm the stress down.

I have been stressing about the intuituive eating - it can't surely work for me can it? It can't be that simple? I've been visiting other blogs and have really found their messages useful. I asked my 'will it work for me?' question to a nutritionist on one blog and her answer was that yes of course it can - everyone thinks that they will be the one person it doesn't work for but it's not true.

And on Medicinal Marzipan my real fear was addressed - that eating what I wanted would mean eating junk food all the time. Why should it? If I listen to my body - and not my emotional eating genii - then my body wants fruit, veg, protein, carbs. It isn't that fussed by junk - except a bit of dark choc now and then.

Have a look at my weight loss graph.

The first drop was when I calorie counted alone. You can see that eventually it levelled out and began to climb - despite my continuing to diet. The second big drop is using Cambridge shakes, again it levelled out despite my still being on the shakes. About the middle of 2009 (I think!) I was diagnosed with Hashimoto's thyroiditis.

Since then I've calorie counted, been on shakes again and tried various things. Can you see what my weight is doing - despite my dieting? - yes going up. I'm sure the IVF's havent helped but really this cannot be continued. As Benjamin Franklin said - 'Insanity - doing the same thing over and over again and expected different results.'

I'm going to trust me and see where it goes. I don't want to put any weight on but I can't see continuing dieting is helping me to achieve that goal. There has to be another way, a way to not hammer your metabolism, a way to lose slowly and enjoyably, a way to do it with love - which has been my motivation all along.

Obviously you, dear reader, might have a totally different path that'd work for you and why not but this, I'm sure, is mine.

Adventures in Stabbing and Intuitive Eating

2011-08-19T00:23:00.000-07:00

(begin sarcasm)Stabbing went well(/end sarcasm) . I ended up with 3 stab wounds rather than the one planned. First I couldn't get the lid off the needle. Had to really tug...then the lid came off and it rebounded into my finger! After that blood flow was staunched I stabbed myself in the stomach...and it wouldn't go in! No matter how hard I tried! So I tried another spot and it worked. Phew!

After an hour or so I just felt...better....more like me again. The prostap injection (I think) pulls your hormones down from the dizzy (literally!) pill heights and I feel a lot better for it. 50% less crazy.

Last night I took my last pill and now I have to wait for my period to start. Then 2 days later I have a blood test and start some more pills. I'm pilltastic!

In some ways the fact this is our last go at IVF (unless we get frozen embryo's) is a relief. I can inject myself like a cack handed idiot and think 'well at least that's the last time I have to do that!'

---

Eating...ahh..now eating is so much fun these days. I get to eat what I like....which turns out often to be some kind of protein and lots of veg.

Eating out is tricky though because I ask body what it wants and it does tell me - but I can't find it to eat. A few nights ago we went out for food - body wanted chicken and veg. BUT the pub didn't do gluten free chicken and veg so I ended up with gammon and egg - it was the protein I wanted. Problem was (the next day anyway) I was 3 pounds up! I had to talk sternly with myself about the effects of salt and not being a drama queen.

Next week lovely fella and I are mostly staying in so I'm looking forward to my perfect meals of choice. Its cooled down here lately so I'm mostly fancying chicken stew.

What is lovely about eating out is that I feel less pressured to eat. Sounds weird but I always felt like I had to eat as many courses as everyone else. Yesterday everyone else had a pudding but I was full. I didn't sit there feeling virtuous (as I would have before) or like I was embarrassing everyone else (like I would have before). I just felt sated.

I do wonder though (and have just asked this question on a blog) whether this way of eating will work for me. Is my body just too knackered? Will I just stay the same or gain? I do want to lose more, not for society but for me.

I am finding though that the 'old' way of thinking, the dieting way of thinking, is starting to feel really uncomfortable to me. The whole being 'good' or 'bad' thing. It can be just another way to abuse ourselves - I think it was certainly becoming that for me. I just felt that I was in a battle with my body - and now I feel a truce has been called and we're having a cuddle instead.

All is well

2011-08-16T00:29:00.000-07:00

Rang the doctors first thing yesterday for my blood tests results - ring after two. Waited around all day then rang at 2. All tests normal.

Hey? So that's a good thing obviously because that means my liver, kidneys, and blood are all healthy. I'm not anemic.

So why do I feel so breathless, tired and dizzy? Dr Google suggests that the pill can make you dizzy. Maybe the tired is just 'normal' crappy thyroid and the breathless...well I seem to have developed a chest infection.

I'm stopping the pill this Thursday so I'm hoping for a significant improvement in how I feel...otherwise back to the docs again. I think lovely fella had decided I was a hypochondriac until I woke him up coughing last night. To be honest I think I'd decided I was one as well!

IVF is really kicking off now. Three weeks Saturday and we'll be in Marbella. Very excited and daunted. This really is our last go.

Tonight I get to stab myself in the stomach with a long needle. I am a lucky girl. I don't remember the needles being that long last time.

I've started re-write number 3 of my book - adding a new character and making changes recommended by the editor. Its fun-ish - well half fun and half drudgery depending on what I'm doing. Still I'd hope to get the first new draft done by the end of the holiday. Then I can polish it before sending it off to agents.

Eating is still going well. Still averaging around 1500 cals without trying. Mostly choosing healthy food although there is some crap in there. It would be nice if I lost some weight when I come off the pill. Lets see what happens.

Changing

2011-08-11T05:09:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling that I am changing. Physically and emotionally. Physically my shins and ankles look slimmer and my stomach smaller. I don't know if that is true or just that I'm looking at myself more kindly.

Intuitive eating is really working for me. I feel calm. I am eating what I want and managing most of the time to just eat when I am hungry. It's really fun to actually eat what you want. One day last week it was a corned beef omelette with salad. Bizarre probably but right there, that day, gorgeous.

Before I eat I'm asking myself 'Body, are you hungry?' If I am then the next question is 'What do you want?' So far the answer when I am hungry has never been cake or chocolate. Body (my new best friend) wants good fresh nutritious food and she might want a square of chocolate later - that's ok too.

Once you take away the idea that foods are naughty or nice then the previously sinful ones just become something you want on a small scale - why overeat when there's no rebellion in it? When it's not about treating/punishing yourself?

Average calories last week was 1505. I am finding though that totting up my calories as I go along means that I'm saying to myself 'Ooh you have spare calories left - you can have more to eat.' I'm thinking it might be better to have a week without calories counting and see if that works. This week I'm trying recording food eaten the next day so it doesn't influence me on that day.

I also exercised 5 times last week. By choice.

Weight is around the same as before.

So its still all going rather well.

---

So IVF and stuff. I've finally managed to sort all the UK tests - blood test in a few weeks then a lining scan on the 9th September. Lovely fella had his sperm test. Count was fine but the motility was low - so we may well be looking at icsi again.

Went to the GP for my many blood tests. They are testing my kidney, liver, iron levels and doing a full blood count. I am thinking that something will come up because I took the cotton wool off, that was taped over the needle hole, about an hour afterwards and it was full of blood. This happened last time I gave a blood sample as well but it never has before. I don't seem to be clotting properly.

I'm still quite dizzy at times and get very tired. I find out Monday what the results are.

---

I got my manuscript back from the editor and there's lots to do. That might be cause for dismay for someone else but I thought 'Great! Lemme at it!' I love a challenge.

Intuitive Eating

2011-08-05T00:23:00.000-07:00

I'm presently attempting to eat intuitively. What does this mean?
- I eat exactly what I want
- I move more
- I try to only eat when I am hungry (not emotional)
- I try to stop when I am full

Notice the last two have 'I try' at the front of them. It's harder than you'd think for an emotional eater like me! There have been a few emotional ups and down but still I'm averaging around 1500 cals per day. I'm also feeling much more relaxed and not beating myself up about my weight.

Weight-wise after a 3 pound bounce upwards when I started the pill it stayed steady for a few weeks. Now whats weird there is that it stayed steady. I ate salt - it stayed steady. I ate chocolate - it stayed steady. Very odd.

I'm hoping that, because I am giving my body exactly what it wants, that it is relaxing a bit too. It needs to recover from the dieting, I think, and stop thinking it is in famine mode.

Today I'm a pound down. I'm very happy because I've eaten exactly what I want and not denied anything. The theory is that your body has a weight that it wants to be and it will eat enough to get there. Maybe there's something to it.

GPs

2011-08-03T00:19:00.001-07:00

Went to the GPs last night. He wasn't impressed that the hospital had just referred me back to him.

Turns out my Folate is HIGH not low. The nurse had read the scale wrong and told me 18.7 was the bottom of the normal range when in fact its the top! So I'm 0.1 over the top of the normal folate scale. So that's fine.

GP has organised lots of blood tests - iron, blood count etc just to check everything working ok. Good. Am feeling ok today - still tired but more optimistic and happy than my folate is good.

Breathlessly Dancing in Circles

2011-08-02T04:48:00.000-07:00

Just rang up for my test results and my B12 is normal but I still feel like shite - dizzy, breathless, heart pounding. Nurse says - Just see the consultant in October. I point out that we have IVF in September and she suggested that I return to my GP.

So more dancing in circles. I rang the GP's who offered me a Friday appointment. I asked if they had anything sooner - I mentioned my symptoms and now I'm in 5.50 tonight. Must've been the comment about my heart pounding that did it.

Let's see where we go from here. Getting bored of this crap. If I went private I bet I'd get a more holistic service.

Folate

2011-07-31T02:26:00.000-07:00

Friday I got so annoyed at the lack of blood test form from the hospital that I rang them and suggested I come up and get another copy. They rang back and told me to just come up for a test. Why they couldn't have just said that in the first place who knows but I went up.

There was a nice nurse who took the blood test. I asked her about the previous cortisone and folate tests. Apparently the cortisone was fine but the folate was low - 18.7 when the lowest acceptable is 18.6. Particularly low as I am taking folic acid - and have been doing so with the odd week/month off for 5/6 years!

Nicenurse gave me her card and told me to ring Tuesday afternoon for the results. Sounds like I'll at least need folate supplements (higher than already taking) and maybe B12 as well depending on the results of that test.

Dr Google told me that low folate is linked to higher early miscarriage. Is this my answer? Is this what's been causing the trouble all along? I'm not sure anyone has ever tested it before. So I'm feeling relieved that at least I have some sort of answer but obviously concerned that it hasn't been picked up before.

Side Effects

2011-07-28T05:25:00.000-07:00

I'm STILL waiting to get the blood test form for the B12 test. It's been over a week now. That's second class post for you. Sunday night, after a lovely day that included a long-ish walk, my heart was absolutely banging in my chest for about 10-15 mins. I hope its anemia!

Have had a very stressful week - not helped by the pill making me emotional crazy lady. My best friend's Dad died suddenly so I went up for the funeral yesterday. It's just so awful watching people you love in pain.

I also confronted my mum about the whole 'you're too busy' thing. She says she's trying desperately to think of the right thing to say but this situation I am in is so awful. I told her that there is not right thing to say - nothing can make it just go away - and that all I want is her to listen. So hopefully we're getting somewhere.

I was up two more pounds this morning but had salted crisps yesterday so hopefully that's it. My attempt at intuitive eating is still going although this week it has been saying 'chocolate' more often than last. I haven't gone too high on calories but the nutritional content hasn't been top class.

The other bit of joy that comes with the pill is that my boobs are humongous. That may also be contributing to my weight gain. Lovely fella prefers one side effect to the other...

Intuition

2011-07-25T00:46:00.001-07:00

I had a dream a few nights ago that I was staying in a large manor house. I was in a lovely room but next door to it was the room I'd stayed in before. In that room water poured from the ceiling. It was uninhabitable. There was an older woman there who was determined to get me to sleep in that room again.

---

So this week I've been trying intuitive eating. I have to admit that I've always thought it was total rubbish - just eating what you want! Nonsense! But looking into it in more detail I've realised it's not just that. It involves:

- Acknowledging your emotions
- Trying to only eat when you are hungry
- Eating exactly what your body craves
- Stopping when you are full
- Exercising

The theory is that your body has a weight that it wants to be and tries to force you to eat to get to that weight.

So I've been trying to deal with emotions as they arise and eating what I want. I've learnt that my body does have a plan. If I have eaten a lot the day before it does genuinely want less the day after. Yesterday lovely fella and I walked up to the pub for lunch. 45 minutes walking uphill then 30 mins downhill on the way home. I had a roast beef dinner (that was lush). I didn't have pudding as my stomach wasn't interested (my head was but that's not the point).

Later I was trying to decide what to eat for tea. My stomach wanted potato salad. My head thought 'WAY too many calories' but when I worked it out it actually wasn't. So it balances out despite what my head thinks.

The other thing I have been doing is asking myself, every day, what sort of exercise I'd like to do. One day I did zumba, another sit ups, another running on the treadmill. In 7 days I've exercised 5 times - just by doing whatever I wanted - and it turns out that after sitting about at work all day I do want to move by the time I get home.

So the week before last I averaged 1510 calories per day (1200 during the week, far more at weekend) and exercised twice. This last week 1448 calories (average across each day) and exercised 5 times.

It does seem to work and I'm feeling a lot less stressed about it. Scaleswise I'm 14,11 today (I was about the same this time last week) but I've started the pill (for IVF) and know I am retaining water. So we'll see if I lose this week. I would like it to go down but right now I'm happy that I can eat what I want (with the rules above) and not go mental.

Last night I spoke to my mum on the phone and she was telling me I was always 'racing around.' I realised that she was the woman from my dream. She wants me to stay in that uninhabitable room because its lonely being in there on her own.

Constant Cravings

2011-07-18T11:46:00.000-07:00

This book 'Eating in the light of the Moon' suggests learning to feel when you are truly hungry. It suggests you start with thirst as its easier to recognise. The last few days I've been trying this and for me thirst is a dry roof of my mouth. Hunger is the sides of my stomach feeling hollow. So I suppose I learnt that if my mouth is hungry it isn't for food.

It also suggests identifying what you crave when you feel different emotions - because they are in some way metaphors for what you require.

I discovered that:

- Stress makes me want a cigarette.

- My mother makes me want to drink wine (She's very anti drinking!)

- Anger makes me crave sweet things.

What does this tell me? I dunno but it will make it easier to identify the emotion when I know what I'm craving.

So I can either deny or give into my cravings - she suggests giving in but doing so mindfully and asking what does it do for you? For example a few nights ago I felt a bit stressed and a little scared - I wanted grapes, cherries, strawberries and yoghurt - so I had it. Its a mixture of sharp, sweet and creamy. It made me feel - hmmm...cuddled, treated, cared for. That makes sense.

Funny how since I've been actively noticing my emotions I've realised there's a lot more of them than I thought!

I've also been trying to just eat when I am hungry (real hunger). As a result I've been leaving food on my plate, which is a really hard thing for me. I normally have to completely clear my plate - and I realised why. I think (for some reason) that if you don't clean your plate its really selfish and a horrible thing to do to whoever washes up. I have always kinda thought that anyone who leaves a messy plate is selfish. How fucked up is that nonsense?

I've also been trying to eat exactly what I want, rather than planning too far ahead. So Monday night I had a pork and brown rice stir fry, tuesday and wednesday we had cottage pie (yum!) but I HAD to have broccoli as well.

Plus I've been exercising as well. I've just been doing whatever I fancied. So Sunday I did zumba, Monday just some sit ups and floor exercises, Tuesday I went running.

All good then, good food, good exercising, good everything. Yesterday I rang the hospital for the results of the test they did for Addison's last week. I know they tested my cortisone and folate. Instead of the 'you're fine' I expected I was told I needed a further test - B12. So I've been asking doctor Google and it seems they might be looking at anemia - there are various versions and one pernicious anemia is an auto-immune disease - because, hey I haven't got enough of those!

So I'm trying not to stress and just wait for the results but failing quite badly. My main worry is that we might have to postpone the IVF in September - how quickly can you be treated for anemia? Anyone know?

EDITED TO ADD: I checked with the clinic and they say anemia wouldn't stop the IVF so not to worry. Good.

Revelation

2011-07-17T07:10:00.000-07:00

Its been a revelatory day and I thought I'd better record it. I've had a strange weekend, feeling extreme highs and lows. I have been getting my book ready to send off to the editor and had the weekend free (lovely fella away) to do it. Yesterday I found myself cleaning. I rarely get 'deep cleaning' attacks but I was bleaching everything in sight. I wondered to myself 'Why are you doing this? Why are you putting off writing?' I ended up getting so stressed yesterday afternoon I ended up going to bed - in some way I want to feel safe hidden in bed but I did not understand why.

Food and drink (and even fags!) has not been good this weekend. Not awful but not good. By this afternoon I felt so anxious and stressed I was quite concerned. I tried to just sit with it and feel it - rather than eat, smoke or drink it away.

What I realised was this. I was terrified that my novel was actually going to succeed. I was scared of success. Why? Well because I might get well known and then the man who abused me when I was a child would find me. This is my fear. This is the key. I have hidden from him behind my weight, by not reaching for my goals, by not caring for myself - but no longer.

I also realised that in many ways my dieting is driven by the same desire to punish myself that my overeating was. What am I punishing myself for?
- Being abused
- Being fat
- Not being what my parents wanted me to be
- Not being perfect
- Being infertile
- Not being able to lose weight at the same speed at others

No more. I'm done. I see clearly now and a knot from deep within my stomach has gone. I am going to look after myself. I deserve better. I am going to keep myself safe, happy and healthy.

What is this going to mean? It means trusting my decisions about how to live, what to eat, how to be. It means the boss of me - is me. Not doctors, not fear. And I'm going to do my best for me - out of love - and it started today by pressing send on the email to the editor. I want my new life. I deserve it. I'm going to get it.

Round up

2011-07-08T05:16:00.000-07:00

Been very quiet lately but here the update.

Weight - Has come back down to 14.7 (203). What I have been doing is less strenuous exercise, 1250 cals a day (week days, 1600 weekends) and lots of apricots. I just can't believe the gain is real weight and concluded it was salt. Potassium counteracts salt and apricots have loads.

Thyroid - Mentioned to doctor about the above and she is going to test me for Addisons disease. Apparently that's where you don't make enough steroids. My TSH shows that I am nearly overmedicated so its not my thyroid. The blood test checks for the amount of cortisone. Costisone is higher when you are stressed.

Work - I think my cortisone will be high rather than low because I am crazy stressed at work. Boss told me if I did a certain project I'd be in line for a pay rise. I've pretty much completed it now (very hard and stressful) and he tell me 'Oh no that's not going to get you a pay rise.' So I feel like I've been tricked. I went home one night this week and cried with my lovely fella telling him it was so frustrating to be at work when all I want to do is write.

Writing - So lovely fella agreed I could buy more annual leave and have writing days (Yay!). Book is having a second re-write and is nearly (hours) away from being sent to the editor. Lovely fella has also agreed that if the IVF in September doesn't work (its our last IVF) that I can look at dropping hours/days at work.

IVF - So we're due to Spain in September and they emailed this week to say that we have a donor. She's 21, a student, blue eyes, brown hair. Loves sports and cinema (very much like lovely fella). We've accepted and we're aiming for the 12th September. Very excited.

So that's the round up. And how are you?

Very very bored of this now

2011-07-01T00:52:00.000-07:00

Ok this is just getting annoying now. Back up to 14,11 today. So bored of dieting and getting nowhere..no worse than that...dieting and going UP.

Do you know what I eat on my average day...Porridge for breakfast, homemade soup for lunch, butternut squash and bolognese for tea. Snacks - fruit and yoghurt. I'm such a pig! ;)

If I could I would just give up but where would that get me? Back to 21 stone?

I have a very busy few weeks but after that it looks like shakes and weakness are in my future.....just so I don't put any more on.

I'm due back at the thyroid doctors on Tuesday but I don't hold out much hope.

I'm not that girl

2011-06-23T00:32:00.000-07:00

You might have noticed that I haven't posted my weight recently or updated my ticker. This is because it had gone up! To 207 (14.11). I am still dieting so this is why I think that's happened:

1) Salt. God I hate salt. If I have a bag of crisps (well within my calorie limit for the day) I am 2 pounds up the next day and it just stays. I have had some salty meals recently. I'm trying to get more potassium in my diet as it regulates water balance in the body. The lowest calorie things I can find that are high in potassium are dried apricots. Hopefully that'll help but I'm going to talk to my thyroid consultant about it. I've already been to my GP before and my heart/kidneys are fine.

2) Exercise. Hate to say it but I've been doing vigorous exercise and it seems that whenever I do I either stall or gain. I never lose.

This week thanks to my 'not quite broken' hand I have not been exercising and I have been avoiding salt. As a result I'm now down 2 pounds to 205. Still not where I want to be but better than still going up.

This has led to a big debate in our house. I think I have to choose between...

1) Exercise and healthy eating - and a gain or staying the same weight

2) Shakes - and feeling weak and awful

If September's IVF does work and I do get pregnant is it better to be fitter and fatter - or thinner and weaker? Your opinions please...

In related weight news I feel a breakthrough coming on. It all began with this post by Debbie where she was talking about always having to take care of herself. This really resonated with me. I'm also reading a book 'Eating in the light of the Moon' by Anita Johnston which is really hitting home as well. It was recommended on a forum I was reading for people with anorexia and bulimia - I was just being nosy and having a read - looking at the other side of the coin.

I'm not sure where I'm going with it but the book begins with a description of the sort of girl who gets an eating disorder. She's creative and perceptive which her family find uncomfortable. They teach her to deny her true talents and conform. Her body becomes her battleground.

That's as far as I've got so far but there's massive bells ringing in my head with just that short description. It might be aimed at anorexics and bulimics but I think it's going to be good for emotional eater me.

I spoke to my sister about my mum's 'you do too much' comments. Apparently my grandmother had problems getting pregnant and she was told she did too much exercise (she used to cycle alot). So my mum is giving me medical advice from the 1930's. Ridiculous!

R+R

2011-06-20T03:02:00.000-07:00

It was a restful weekend. Went out with the girls on Friday night. Drunken friend still nightmare but nothing too intrusive (she wasn't there just talked about) I slept in until 11am on Saturday!!! Unheard of.

Sunday I spent the afternoon writing. I'm on my second re-write which involves adding lots of stuff - which is much more fun - so I was very happy doing that. Later we went out for a walk to a nearby (well 45 min walk uphill) pub that does gluten free food. I figured I'd earnt the fish and chips I had. It was a gorgeous early evening so I took some pics on the way home

It was all very jolly and happy. Just as we turned onto my road my boot lace on one foot hooked onto the hook on the other boot and I fell forwards...I managed to stop myself from hitting my face but my right hand palm is grazed like a kiddy injury and I've just got back from the hospital about my left - it's not broken but sprained and I must rest it.

I'm left handed! Argh! Honestly just getting dressed this morning was quite amusing. She also said my hand was 'quite worn' and asked if I do a lot of typing. I said that yes I write and she said that'd be it. Nothing to worry about it but it shows IN MY BONES. How much more proof do we need that I should be a writer? It's in my very bones!

So not good but I have been informed that I can have 2 days annual leave back to cover my IVF treatment. So finally work are coming round to it.

Ps Thank you so much for your comments on my previous post. It really helps to hear that I am not the most selfish thing on earth so thank you. xxx

Freedom

2011-06-15T00:22:00.000-07:00

With all this fighting to become a mother I occasionally forget what a nightmare a mother can be. Luckily I have my own to remind me. She has got it into her head that I cannot get/stay pregnant because I do too much. This is repeated every time I talk to her. Last night was no different. I was telling her I was struggling to find time to finish the re-write of my book and out came that 'you do too much' thing.

It annoys me for many reasons.

All I have ever wanted to do is write. Instead of encouraging that I was pushed towards earning money as soon as possible. Neither of my parents ever said 'You know what - just go for your dream. Yes you'll be skint but have a go."
I keep myself busy with hobbies etc because otherwise I am extremely bored. As a child it was something I said A LOT 'I'm bored' - we rarely went anywhere or did anything. I must've been so twitchy physically because exercise wasn't encouraged either. The answer to 'I'm bored' was 'read a book' - which I did. Many, MANY books. Now I like to do a lot of things. It makes me happy.
I have more energy now I am fitter. I do more because I have this energy. My mum will never understand this because I'm not sure she's ever been fit. I have no memory of her ever exercising. I'm trying to persuade her to use the Wii fit for 10 minutes a day but she's not going to. She makes excuse after excuse. She doesn't know how much better it feels to exercise, how much better it feels to be fit. She's 70 now and sooner rather than later she's going to be basically housebound - by choice!
She's blaming me. She saying that it's MY fault I can't stay pregnant. Even if that were true why does it help saying it?

Anyway she keeps saying it to the point where lovely fella is threatening to 'have a word' with her. 'What would would you say?' I ask. 'I'd tell her to shut up!' he replies. I'm almost tempted to let him do it but she'd hold it against him forever - my mother's memory is looonnnnngggg.

Yes I know my mum is only trying to help and yes I know I'll miss her when she's gone but my horrible secret thought is that once she is I will be free - Don't get me wrong I am not wishing her ill in any way but the weight (literal and metaphorical) of her rules and expectations have been crushing me all my life. I am nothing like her yet I have been pushed to conform.

I am an adult and should be able to break those chains easily but they are so embedded. I carry the guilt chains with me wherever I go. What messages have I internalised? What chains chafe?

Money is everything (when really its just a tool to get what you really want)
Food is love (food is nice but it isn't a replacement for love)
Sport is for thick people (which is just nonsense)
Anger is unacceptable (When sometimes anger is the ONLY honest response)
Drinking regularly means you an alcoholic (again nonsense unless it is at breakfast time)
You must ensure your mum is happy by doing what she wants (emotional blackmail)
Don't stand out. Don't be different. Conform. (When I'm really not normal and I like it that way)
There is danger everywhere. (That's why we have brains to make the right choices. There is also joy everywhere too)

My friends and lovely fella know me - the real me - but I wish that I could just throw away the chains and fly.

Physical and mental stress

2011-06-13T03:22:00.000-07:00

The problem with exercise is that it makes you hungry. Both Saturday and Sunday I've done 20 mins of zumba (I have no rhythm) and then 20 mins of the 30 day shred (that Jillian woman is evil). I was actually amazed that I COULD do that and even be alive at the end of it but now I am achey and hungry.

Still it'll no doubt help on the weight loss. Still 14.7 today (203). I really want to get back under 200 asap. I am very bored of seeing the same numbers over and over again. I should be pleased that I have basically maintained for the past few years but unfortunately I was trying to lose! Admittedly that was through thyroid nonsense, steroids, IVF and a mountain of stress.

Am a bit of a stress monkey at the moment. I have a lot of stress at work, mainly due to other people not doing their job, I'm still trying to process the donor egg stuff plus I am reading a rather triggering book (Room) about a little boy trapped in a room with his mum. Had quite a bit of fear flashbacks lately. My dreams have been full of zombies, castles being attacked and serial killers.

So that's all lovely.

And now I have depressed myself I'm off for lunch - homemade lentil and bacon soup which is truly lovely.

Bruges Lose

2011-06-10T00:31:00.000-07:00

Another week away. Have now run out of holiday until September. I'm actually looking forward to having a few weekends at home. I need to get that garden sorted out!

Spent the weekend in Bruges for my mum's 70th birthday pressie. Dreading spending a weekend with my family but it wasn't too bad.

The rest of the week has been at my mother in laws with some family visiting from abroad. Was fun but I'm happy to be home.

My challenge when I went away was to weigh the same as when I left. I was 14.7 (203 pounds) the day I left (thanks to a birthday weekend). I was exactly the same today. The main difference between any other week away and this was that I have avoided salty foods. So that's my new plan when going away.

I have 13 weeks until I got for donor IVF treatment. I'd love to lose a pound a week (at least). We'll see. The plan is eat high GI and exercise my ass off.

Weekend report

2011-05-31T00:11:00.000-07:00

Bank holiday weekend is over. It was filled with good and bad, just like life!

The Bad -

My mother came up for my birthday and suggested that if I just relaxed more I might get pregnant. I reminded her I KEEP getting pregnant just losing them. She seemed to have forgotten. Nice when your mum forgets the miscarriages isn't it?
There were various points of sadness when memories of last year arose but all in all we got through well.
Weight. Oh dear me. There has been cake and there has been salt so I'm not sure whether its a disaster or just water - so I'll report back on that one in a few days.

The Good -

Went to a lovely party on Saturday where I saw lots of old friends
Had lots of lovely pressies for my birthday
Had a really good weekend with lovely fella
Have developed an obsession with Game of Thrones on TV
Finally feel better after the cold two weeks ago. Managed to exercise yesterday

So all in all a good weekend. This weekend coming we are off to Bruges for my mother's 70th. All my family in one house...could be interesting....

Looking to the Future

2011-05-25T05:03:00.000-07:00

Thank you for the comments on my last post. They have really helped me. Sometimes...no always...it is better to have these thoughts out rather than in. I am feeling a lot better about it all.

Weight-wise I'm going to look like I've lost nothing this month, when in fact I've lost my carb bounce. It would be nice to get some new numbers coming up though. Hopefully June should see to that.

IVF - we're still waiting for the clinic to get in touch but they said it'd be end of June.

Book - I'm just about to start my second draft of the book. I'm actually putting it off...like eating the icing on a cake.

It's my birthday on Monday - 41 years old! Blimey not exactly where I was planning to be but things are much better than they could be. Me and lovely fella are doing great. Job is fine. Piggies are cute. Things are alright.

I'm not exactly excited by my birthday though. My mum wants to come up on the Monday. I'd rather she came on the Sunday then I can just relax on my actual birthday. The problem is that a friend is having a big party Saturday night and I may not be totally fit on Sunday.

So hangover + mum on Sunday=Peace Monday OR Hangover+peace Sunday =pleasing your mother on your birthday.

I think the other thing is that soon we reach the 1 year anniversary of all that badness with my lovely fella. My birthday is the start of that 'season' and it just puts a grey sheen on it. I wish none of it ever happened but we can't change the past can we? No - we just keep our eyes on the horizon. Hopefully this birthday year will wipe away any memories of the last.

Donor Thoughts

2011-05-17T00:23:00.000-07:00

I have thoughts just poking in at the edge of my mind. They peek in and I shove them away. I figured it might be a good plan to get them out in plain sight.

I'm scared about having donor eggs. I'm worried that one day my child will shout 'You're not my real mum.' I'm annoyed that I'm going to be taking my child back to Spain so it can 'bond' with its place of half origin. I'm worried that they will hate me because they won't know anything about the donor. I'm worried that they will fantasize that she would be a richer, prettier, better mum than me. I'm worried that the jealously I already have towards the donor will grow. I want to be the biological mother to my child but I'm not going to be. That makes me very sad and angry.

It makes sense that we do donor eggs. With my age (41 this month fact fans!) it does make sense. I love my unborn child enough to want it to have the very best chance to have the healthiest life - and my eggs isn't going to do that. I also am SO desperate to have a child that I am willing to do pretty much anything. When my lovely fella was going to be cut out of the mix I was ok with that - I'm finding me being cut out harder. But the logic is the same. He would have been the father whatever the genetics and I will be the mum.

In truth I feel like a failure. Like this is admitting defeat. I could not carry my own biological babies. I killed each and every one of them - well my immune system did. I hope (and that's too small a word) that this IVF works and I have a healthy child. What I do not want to ever do is regret anything about their existence should them come. Honestly though - would I? At the moment this is more an intellectual question. If I ever hold my baby will I wish they were biologically mine? Briefly I'm sure I will but will I really care? I don't think so. I'll just be so smitten.

I think what the above shows me is that I've got some grieving to do for the biological children I could never have and this would be a good time to do it.

Good and Bad

2011-05-12T00:56:00.000-07:00

Two pounds down from the weekend. That's very good news. We've provisionally booked our accommodation for Spain in September. We haven't got exact dates from the clinic but I've given them our dates and they've said they will aim egg collection for 12th September. There's a few days wiggle room in the accommodation we booked. We're not booking flights yet until we get final dates - around July.

Just got in today though and my boss tells me I've booked 'holiday' in a blocked out time where no-one is allowed to take leave (start of academic year). But he'll let me have it. I haven't told him about the IVF this time as he was useless last time and the stress work caused did not help. I have chased up HR who were supposed to be reviewing their infertility treatment policy. I'm not holding out much hope.

So again we'll have the ridiculous situation of my husband looking after me after treatment, on infertility treatment leave from his work, whilst I'm on 'holiday.' Admittedly thanks to going to Spain there will definitely be some holiday in there but it is ridiculous.

Drunken friend situation is getting worse and worse. She still does not acknowledge any fault on her side. She's fallen out with the friend who contacted her ex. She's also been told that she can't attend a party at the end of this month because of her drinking - and in her mind she thinks its because we'd prefer to be friends with her ex-husband. Its nothing to do with that but this way she can feel a victim of circumstance and stick with the bottle. Oh honestly its so frustrating and depressing. The bottle is all for her now. So sad.

Spain

2011-05-09T01:26:00.000-07:00

So Marbella is lovely. Sunny, palm trees, beach, sea - all lovely.

The clinic was nice too. Very small and hidden above a bank but the nurse we met (English!) was good and the doctor (Spanish) was lovely too.

They took all our history and did a trial embryo transfer.

Weight-wise they said try to lose more but that they would not cancel treatment if I didn't manage to lose any. So now I'm just losing weight for me. Woohoo!

We found a lovely cafe that did gluten free food and particularly a gorgeous chocolate cake so I've replaced my lost glycogen stores. I'm back on carbs and 5 pounds up. It's ok as the glycogen loss is illusionary really - you either put it on at the end or the beginning. Now I know that my weight is my actual weight and hopefully I can exercise with more vigour.

So the plan is to have donor egg IVF in September (date to be agreed). In the meantime I am going to exercise and eat well - getting myself as healthy as possible and losing as much weight as possible. My initial aim is to get into the next stone bracket. It'd be good to do that by the end of the month. We'll see.

My lovely fella has been told to eat as healthily as possible too. If he can improve his little swimmers then we can avoid icsi (Euros - 500). Which reminds me I must text and remind him to get some multivitamins.

Bounce back

2011-05-04T06:12:00.001-07:00

Well my bounce has gone so I'm back to 14 pounds lost. I'm enjoying eating food very much. Yum! I'm planning on staying low carb until the clinic appt on Friday then I may have a slice of cake. Once we agree September then I can ease off a teeny tiny bit. But only a teeny tiny bit. I want to lose at least another stone (14 pounds) by September - 22 pounds would be fab. In August I will have been dieting for 6 years - yes 6 years - no major backtracking just dieting for 6 years! It'd be great to be at my goal by then. We'll see.

Thyroid doctors yesterday was fine. My TSH is lower at 0.48 so that's pretty much exactly where they want it. So I'm not exactly sure why I've been feeling so crap but I think it may be the lack of carbs. I'm having a few more now so maybe I've had the Atkins flu in reverse.

Spain on Friday. Quite nervous but excited as well! Please let this be the one that works. Lovely fella is quite stressed about money at the moment and this may be our last chance...

Food

2011-05-03T00:23:00.000-07:00

Well I decided to say yes to food. God food is lovely isn't it? I've been eating 2 days now, just the plan I wrote out below (about 1000 calories). I've got a 2 pound bounce at the moment so I must be eating more carbs than I thought. I'm not worried - not at the moment anyway - I'm just enjoying lovely food.

So at the end of April I was 4 pounds down - making it 14 in total this particular diet phase - 106 pounds in all.

As we are heading for September now I would really love to be in the 12's by then. That'd be a loss of 18 pounds from where I am now. Do-able? Maybe, probably not but we'll see.

I'm due at the thyroid consultants today. I've been feeling really crappy lately, tired, headache, foggy brain - so I think my TSH will be up - another reason to postpone to September. We shall see.

Decisions

2011-05-01T02:43:00.000-07:00

Kakunaa made a very interesting observation on my last post. Yes if I did get pregnant in September then the birth should be in June. Hmm...So either way works. That's good.

And handy as my lovely fella and I were looking at the cost of holidays in Marbella. The main school holiday time is totally out as the cost is astronomical so it really does come down to June or September. The holiday plus treatment is going to totally wipe us out financially so my lovely fella favours September - so we could be a bit ahead of ourselves by that time.

September is sounding very attractive to me as well. It'd give me more time to lose and I could get way past the BMI 35 that is the sticking point for treatment.

I've worked out a way to eat that involves a few less calories but a few more carbs. At the moment I have:

8am - Shake
10am - Shake
12 - Shake
2pm - Shake
5pm - Low carb tea (up to 400 cals)
8pm - frozen grapes and plain yoghurt
9.30 - Options hot choc

This all adds up to about 1000 calories and between 80-95 grams carbs. I'm thinking of having:
8am - strawberries and plain yoghurt
10am - apple
12 - ham salad
2 - yoghurt
5 - low carbs tea
8 - yoghurt and grapes
9.30 - hot choc

This is a bit less in calories (only about 50 less) and about 5 grams of carbs more. I'd need a multi-vit as well.

The pro's and cons are:

If I stick to shakes it is supposed to give you all your vitamins and minerals
But the shakes are soya based and you are not supposed to have a lot of soya if you have a thyroid condition.
The shakes are a pre-measured amount of food so I know exactly how many calories I am having.
If we move to September then I have more time but I don't want to waste it.
If I had a few more carbs I should have more energy for exercise and I miss exercising hard.

So, as you can probably gather I really want to move back to food but I'm worried that I'll not be as rigid as I need to be. Once I reach my mini treatment goal I could eat a bit more anyway and accept losing slower. Looking back it seems that on 1500 cals a day I lose about half a pound a week. 1000 cals about a pound. I really need to keep to the pound a week if possible. Maybe I should do an experiment for a week and see where I am after that.

I'm seeing my thyroid consultant Tuesday so we'll see what my TSH is like. If it's still over 2 then I don't think the Spanish clinic would treat me anyway.

So what would you do? Eat or not eat?

Another one bites the dust

2011-04-29T04:20:00.001-07:00

And another pound down today, making it 1 stone lost (14pounds). Woohoo! Six left so should be easily down by mid June...even, dare, I hope, end of May? We will see.

We are not sure when treatment is going to be. Either June or September, we think. September would mean I have ages to lose more weight and we're not in a rush now its not my eggs. June..well I had a dream where I was announcing my son's birth on Facebook and the date 18th June was stuck in my mind...so stupidly I'm favouring June. We'll see next weekend when we go out for our first appointment.

Chat tonight with my best mates about the drunken friend. Apparently she has now realised that she needs to apologise for her behaviour but she isn't talking rehab yet. I wish she was.

Ticker

2011-04-28T02:43:00.001-07:00

Another pound down today. Hurrah!

I've changed my ticker as lovely fella and I did an experiment. If we measure me from the front I am a full half an inch taller than if we measure me from the back. Why? Because of my HUGE arse! I have to bend backwards to get my head on the wall!

I mentioned this to my lovely fella and after laughing hysterically at me he told me I was crazy, that it could not make that much difference. So we tried it...and it did!

So I'm saying I'm 5ft1.5 and I'll fight anyone that argues!

Follow up

2011-04-27T07:45:00.000-07:00

Its all getting very dramatic in the drunken friend story. Another of our friends rang her ex and told him all about the weekend - they've been in a increasingly bitter custody battle so that's going to help his case no end. Don't get me wrong I do not think she should be alone with her son at the moment but I don't want to give him the key through the permanent sole custody door.

He then contacted her family who, in turn, contacted my best mate A for confirmation. God it is a big mess. Her family say her drinking has got very bad.

Anyway in comments there were suggestions for an intervention. I've been consulting Dr Google and the consensus appears to be either:

a) Intervention will not work unless the person already admits they have a problem (she doesn't) and could make things 100% worse

b) Intervention is a good way to get the person to admit that they have a problem

c) Stop thinking about the other person and concentrate on yourself. You can't fix them or save them

So there you go. 3 different views. Very helpful Dr Google.

Funny isn't it that when you are a teenager you think you have the answer to everything then later you realise there are loads of things you don't have a clue about!

Weddings and Weeding

2011-04-26T00:13:00.000-07:00

What a weekend! Was at a wedding last Thursday, one of my very best friends. Remember our drunken, potentially violent friend? Yes she was there too and drunk before the wedding even took place. We tried to keep it away from the bride and stop it affecting the wedding but after the speeches she went looking for her bag - and ended up screaming at the bride's aunt, accusing her of stealing her bag. She had to be dragged out literally kicking and screaming. God it was awful The hotel nearly called the police!

Other than that drama it was a lovely wedding and weekend. But it sure put a taint on it! We're going to have to decide what to do with her. Apparently the next day she could not see what she had done wrong!

Apart from that it was a lovely weekend of dancing, drinking, weeding and writing. Still at 199 but just came on so hopefully there will be a drop.

Result

2011-04-20T00:05:00.001-07:00

Don't know if it is the noodles or the fact I'm stressing less but I'm down another pound - and this one is an important one. I'm back under 200 pounds at 199. Last time I was there was December last year. So that's 12 pounds in 7 weeks, even with cake-gate. At this rate I'll be there by the end of May, give or take a pound. Lets see...

Adventures in Noodles

2011-04-19T00:07:00.000-07:00

A few days ago I heard about shirataki noodles. They are zero carbs and effectively zero calories as they are just fibre. Well the possibility of something like that demanded I try them so I found a supplier on the internet and ordered them. They turned up today.

They come bagged up in liquid looking rather too much like some sort of scientifically stored worms. But I was not to be put off. On the internet they warn that when you open them the liquid smells very fishy and they need to be rinsed.

I opened them very gingerly and they did not smell fishy at all. They hardly smelt of anything, maybe a little plasticky.

Anyway they are pre-cooked so the instructions are to rinse them in warm water then just chuck in whatever you like.

I rinsed them very carefully and put them in a frying pan. I dry fried them and then added some bolognese sauce I'd made on Sunday. Apparently they don't really taste of anything and just take the flavour of whatever you cook them in.

Mine tasted pretty fantastic! I was quite amazed. The noodles themselves were nice, just tasted of the sauce. If you have a big mouthful of the noodles it can be a bit surprisingly springy but nothing awful.

Afterwards I was extremely full for a good few hours. Not uncomfortable but just happy tummed. Lovely for 290 calories. I am going to try a carbonara tonight.

And finally this morning I dropped my last cake pound. Back on track.

Weekly weigh in

2011-04-17T04:23:00.000-07:00

The result of this weeks 'act like an anorexic but without the results' is that I've lost 3 of the four pounds gained last weekend. I am now 11 pounds away from having a BMI of 35. I've had various ideas throughout the week..mostly around the exercise and worrying that it is slowing my weight loss down. The issue with that is that I kinda like doing it in a sick way. Don't get me wrong I pretty much hate it when I'm being shredded but afterwards the feeling of general wellbeing and smugness is fantastic. Besides it is good for you. So the exercise stays. Last night I had a 2am wee and found myself staring at the scales, shining white in the gloom, and I thought 'I'll be meeting you tomorrow my enemy.' It was at this point I realised I was totally fucked up. I need to relax. This is just stressing me out far too much. I am thinking very negatively towards my body. My poor body was forcefed for years, with an underactive thyroid, then has been starved for 5 years. No wondered it's a bit knackered. So I've had a word with myself. Worst case scenario on the weight is that we postpone treatment to September. As its not my eggs that isn't really a disaster. I'm carrying on with the diet and exercise - but without the worrying. Worrying isn't helping and on the Biggest Loser they keep saying that stress can hinder weight loss. I have no idea if that is scientifically proven but I am very tired of the stress. Next week I have a wedding to go to. I'm going to try to just have that one day off because another gain would really piss me off....now I'm off to think about fluffy clouds and puppys.

Shredded

2011-04-13T23:58:00.000-07:00

This week in 'Operation get those bloody pounds off' I have been eating less (if that's even possible!) and exercising more. I have done the 30 day shred level 1 every night and honestly I swear that Jillian woman is trying to murderise me!

Those four pounds should have slid off like water on a ducks back, as they are only water weight. Instead they are hanging on for dear life! I'm only 2 pounds down at the moment. The exercise should be burning up those cake carbs.

This is all stressing me out as I MUST MUST MUST be twelve more pounds down by whenever we have treatment. 12!!!! I have a number of events coming up where I'll have to come off the diet. First, next week, is a wedding then there's a trip to Bruges for my mums birthday in June. I can't afford any more rises like this especially if I'm going to lose only a pound a week....or even bloody less.

So here's me annoyed and stressed today. I go on my diet chat site and there's people moaning about losing ONLY two pounds a week whilst eating over 1500 cals a day! I know I have a dodgy thyroid and I know (as its taken me 5 years so far on this diet) that it takes me a long time to lose weight but come on body. I couldn't be working any harder! Grrrr.

Robots and Cakes

2011-04-10T23:54:00.000-07:00

This weekend was a busy one socially. Friday night we met some friends for a meal. I'd already decided that I was having steak and salad so all would be low carb goodness. My friend turned up with 9 hand made gluten free cup cakes! Argh! I had one that night.

Saturday we went to a robot themed fancy dress party. I was a Stepford wife and my husband Data from Star Trek. A good party and I took the cakes but ate 3...

As a result Sunday I weighed in 4 pounds up! Bugger. That was not the plan at all. So this week its 'Operation get those bloody pounds off.' After a day of low carb the result is - no loss. I'm doing the 30 day shred tonight. That should shift some.

It was such a busy weekend that I struggled to find time to write. I even woke up about 3am on Saturday morning and nearly got up to do it then. Sunday was my writing day (hurrah!) and I finished the book. It's all there now at 62,000 words. I can already see bits I want to add to so it'll be more like 70,000-80,000 when the second draft is done...then I'm sending it off to the editor. I also planted potatoes so lets hope both lead to something tasty.

Adding and Subtracting

2011-04-07T23:56:00.000-07:00

So this week I've been wavering over the same pound loss (to 200 pounds). It's getting rather dull but what else am I going to do? I could eat a bit less - I've been averaging 900-1000 calories but really who would want to? I could swap my low carb tea for another shake but again who'd want to?

At the moment the plan is to continue with this until the end of May. Lets see where we are then. Anything from 7-14 pounds would be great. I want to get at least to the right weight for IVF (10 pounds away) before changing to a low cal diet.

I'm now very, very nearly at the end of my book and already know bits I want to re-write. The problem at the moment is finding the time. We're out to dinner tonight then out all day tomorrow at a 30th birthday party (the theme is robots!). So Sunday is all mine. Sunday is my day. Roll on Sunday.

Powerless?

2011-04-05T00:04:00.000-07:00

All out of sorts today as the power went off last night and wasn't back this morning. How very 1970's! Am in work unmade up. I feel all naked. Plus I had to get dressed in the dark. Luckily that hasn't turned out too badly.

My weight is still 201 (14,5). Its been TOTM so I'm hoping for a drop soon. I've got the irrational fear it just won't drop - despite my being on less than 1000 calories a day. How silly that looks written down!

We're booked to see the Spanish clinic in May so next step is getting our medical records from the old one. I'm off after work to see if I can sort that out.

I'm reaching the end of my book, just the final confrontation to write, then it's re-write time. I've been talking to an editor in America and might ask her advice on it. I just want to get it as perfect as possible before sending it off. Have I mentioned how much I love writing? Honestly I am really resenting any time I'm not writing at the moment.

I'm reading a Stephen King book at the moment about writing. It's really good. He sold the paperback rights for Carrie for $400,000! I just want enough to live on but obviously I wouldn't say no to that sort of cash. IVF certainly turns the mind towards money. It's amazing how much it soaks up. In truth just the chance to write every day would be such a blessing.

Anyway, I can't be doing that here (at work) so better go.

Weighty things

2011-03-30T00:20:00.001-07:00

Have just posted this on another blog and thought it was worth recording as it sums up my approach to weightloss.

1) Pick a diet, any diet
2) Pick a back up diet
3) Start dieting
4) If you overeat figure out why then just move on
5) Do ALOT of thinking about how you'll maintain your loss
6) If you get bored or tired switch to the other diet
7) Get a NEW back up diet
8) Just keep going
9) Exercise as often as you can

Am two pounds down already this week - hitting my target a whole 4 days early. Maybe I can squeeze in another pound by Sunday?

We've booked our flights to Spain for our initial appointment - 6th May. We're staying the weekend so there may be a bit of relaxing in there as well. One can only hope! The hotel has a heated roof top swimming pool so that all sounds good to me!

Nearly the end of the month and in 3 1/2 weeks with a weekend off I'm down 10 pounds. My goal is 8 pounds per month - so far so good. I should be near my BMI goal for treatment by the appointment in May.

Losing it

2011-03-28T00:34:00.000-07:00

End of week (Sunday) weigh in and I'm 2 pounds down. What I'm doing is replacing my breakfast and lunch with a shake then having a low carb tea of up to 400 calories. At weekend I'm having the odd glass of wine.

It's all quite civilized and averages about 800 calories a day.

Oh yeah and I started Jillian Michaels 30 day Shred - she murderised me!

Today, Monday, I'm down another pound so have the rest of the week to drop another to hit my weekly target.

We're getting things sorted with the clinic in Spain. I've contacted my old NHS consultant and he's happy to do scans etc - for a price, of course. So we can cut out the private clinic and I'm happier about that. I do need to get my medical records from them though.

The weekend has been hectic and, at the last, a complete nightmare. My drunken troublesome friend came over and was less keen on taking any advice. She ended up screaming at everyone, threatening to drive (when she's banned) and generally being a total nightmare.

Its difficult because all the advice says you should let them take responsibility for themselves and not cover up bad behaviour but when someone is about to drive, in a complete state, isn't it better to appease them and at least ensure their (and others!) safety? I dunno..maybe we made the wrong choice but it was a hard choice to make.

We have a wedding in a few weeks that she'll be at. Can you imagine how excited we all are about it?

Decisions, decisions

2011-03-24T02:25:00.000-07:00

So after a bit of chuntering we've decided to try egg donation abroad. It takes the stress away from me getting older. Going abroad has its advantages as they have shorter waiting lists and better results.

We're looking at CERAM in Spain. We might have to go out for an initial consultation then again for the actual IVF. I'm trying to find a Doctor over here so I don't need to go out for the initial consultation but our previous clinic won't do it.

Weightwise they won't treat over BMI35 - which I don't mind as long as they tell me straight off. I should be there by June at the latest.

So yes more plans. Will any of these ever lead to a baby?

ARGH!

2011-03-22T03:38:00.000-07:00

Just back from the clinic and I am now really, REALLY angry with them! We went today to sign consent forms for the donor IUI. I get my weight and height checked then they get us in to tell us that I am too fat for treatment.

Ok they didn't put it like that but that's the truth of it. Despite the doctor saying at the last appointment that my BMI did not need to be under 35 it now turns out it does.

I am sick to death of them telling us one thing and then the other. It'll take me at least 2 months to lose the weight even on 800 calories a day. Meanwhile who knows what's happening inside me. Am I starting the menopause? Who knows! I asked whether the doctor had any response to the email I sent 2 weeks ago. They couldn't find it.

You couldn't make it up!

So we have a choice - wait until I lose the weight then get in touch with them or go elsewhere.

We're going elsewhere. I am going to put in a complaint though.

So now we are back at looking at options. I'm thinking that donor sperm has passed its sell by date now. Wherever we go I'll probably need to lose more weight so I'll be older by the time we get to treatment. So my options seem to be:
1) Donor eggs - There's a waiting list in the UK and it would involve going through the clinic (or one of their other clinics). A friend of ours saw the top NHS consultant in our city and he recommended donor egg treatment in Spain. He said it was really top class treatment - so that's an option plus there's no waiting list there. I've emailed a clinic to find out their BMI rules and rates.
2) Donor embryo - This is cheaper than donor eggs but obviously there's no genetic connection. I don't mind but I think my lovely fella might.
3) Adoption - I am worried that my lovely fella's actions of last year would be held against us. Otherwise I would be happy to adopt.

So yeah, back at square one again.

Ps Down 2 pounds today. Funny innit? :(

Ups and Downs

2011-03-18T01:27:00.000-07:00

All is well with the diet at the moment. I only put on a pound over the hen weekend despite eating carbs and drinking lots of wine. I also went out for an Indian meal tuesday night and again had carbs (rice). So far this week though I'm looking at a two pound loss which considering the above is great.

I've worked out if I carry on losing 2 pounds per week I'll be done in 15 weeks. Done. Completed. Finito. I might lose more and be faster than that. Oh so tempting to carry on the whole way on this diet. I'll see how I go.

Fertility-wise I am furious with the clinic. They are good on the clinical treatment side (I hope!) but shite on communication. We missed starting IUI last month because they didn't get us in to sign consent forms soon enough. This month (I'm due on 1st April) the donor woman sent me a date to come in, which was the only date I couldn't do as I am down in London training for 2 days.

I emailed her back and offered alternate dates. This was over a week ago. Yesterday I rang her to chase it up.

"Oh I didn't get that email." she said. You mean the email I sent in reply to yours? "Can you do the 24th?"

"No. That's the date I'm going to London. I'm away the Thursday and Friday."

"We could do the 25th."

"No. That's the Friday. As I said I'm away that day." ARGH!

Anyway after walking through the treacle in her brain we managed to arrange another date. I wanted to know if there was anything else we needed to do before we got started.

"No I think we've got all the details. We'll give you the prescription at that meeting."

"I thought I was just using the drugs I already have left over from the IVF?" I say.

"Oh. Are you? What drugs have you got left?"

"I sent you a list." I say.

"Did you?"

I mean really. REALLY. Is it that hard to know what you are talking about when people are paying you THOUSANDS OF POUNDS? It has really made us both worry about the service we are getting from them. On top of that I sent an email to the consultant telling him of my menopause worries and asking his advice - again no response. Has that fallen into their email pit or can he just not be arsed to respond or even acknowledge me?

So yeah they are a bit shit. We are due to go and sign the consent forms next Tuesday and we're going to ask to speak to the manager.

On the up side we have two new friends in the house. Sherlock and Watson. I needed something fluffy to love and it's not practical to have a dog or a cat. Stroking them is very relaxing - more for us than them at the moment so I hope they relax a bit. It is nice getting up and seeing them every day. :)

Pride and Prejudice or Ibiza?

2011-03-14T02:23:00.000-07:00

This weekend I went to Bath for a hen do. It was both riotous and classy depending on the moment.

Before I went, on the Friday, I had an appointment at the Thyroid clinic. I was keen to ask the consultant if the raised thyroxine could produce symptoms mimicking the menopause. Turned out though that despite my raised thyroxine my TSH was higher at 2.2. It is supposed to be getting lower.

The lower it is the more thyroxine in your body so there is no way that the thyroxine could be affecting my menstrual cycles etc. Bugger! My consultant has sent me for blood tests to see if the menopause is starting.

On top of that the fact my TSH was higher indicates 'that my disease is progressing.' Which means my thyroid is still being destroyed by my antibodies. He says eventually (when it's totally destroyed) I'll need to be on 125-150mcgs a day. He's just put me on 125 so there's probably not that much thyroid left. All a bit scary really.

So before I could have a lovely weekend with my friends I did have to have a very big cry. Luckily this meant I could enjoy the beauty of Bath.

The picture to the right is the Pump Room, venue of many a regency ball. It is now a tea room with a pianist playing as you have your fancy tea. A very classy hangover venue!

Being Normal

2011-03-11T00:23:00.000-08:00

When dieting (or trying to get pregnant) I often think 'Oh I wish I were normal. Why can't I be normal?' The funny thing is that the rest of the time I think 'Oh I'm so glad to be different.'

You can't have it both ways can you? I like that:

I do tarot
I'm a pagan
I write novels
I'm left handed
I'm arty
I don't have poor self esteem

But I hate that:

I struggle to lose any weight at all
That my thyroid is buggered
That I can't eat gluten
That I can't get pregnant

The two lists aren't really related in any way but it just occurred to me today how on one hand I want to be normal and average so desperately then on the other I kinda despise it. I like being weird. Maybe I should just embrace that.

ps 5 pounds down this week

Positive

2011-03-10T00:14:00.000-08:00

Four days into my latest diet phase (I can't really call it a new diet as I have been on a diet for 5 1/2 years now) and I'm 3 pounds down. I've been having shakes during the day then a low carb tea. Apart from a blinding headache yesterday its been fine. At the moment it feels like I can easily do this for a month or so.

I'm due on April 1st (there's a joke!) so will, hopefully, start the donor IUI cycle then. Obviously if there's any chance I'm pregnant I won't do the super low calorie diet then.

So that's 5-6 weeks to really crack on. I'd love to lose at least a stone.

Other than that am feeling rather positive at the moment. I'm not really sure the IUI will work but I think I'm starting to get my head around it never working - and that doesn't seem such a scary place at the moment.

This weekend all bets (and diets!) are off as I'm on a Hen do. I am looking forward to seeing all my friends (except the scary drunken one who deserves a whole 'nother post about the trauma she is causing).

Anyway back on the diet Monday.

ps pictures on this post courtesy of my recent holiday in the Isle of Wight. We stayed in the house with the grey roof on the cliff top.

Isle of Choices

2011-03-05T08:09:00.000-08:00

Just back at the Mother in Law's after our trip to the Isle of Wight, which despite being south in the UK is still cold! We've had a lovely time though visiting castles, monkeys and beaches.

Back to work Monday and boy how that isn't being looked forward to. I had a dream whilst I was away where I was talking to someone younger who was an astrologer. I remember saying 'How good that you have just been who you are and made that into your career." I woke up so jealous.

On that note I have been pressing forwards with the novel, writing every day whilst away. I know now where it's going and how it'll end - well I always knew how it'd end but now I know why it ends that way.

Many decisions were made upon the island.

1) Firstly we are going to carry on first with the donor sperm then donor eggs. My lovely fella and I ranked (seperately) the following list of importance...
- that the child be genetically ours
- that it be a baby
- that we have a family (any age)
- that it looks like us

It was interesting because our lists were different. I just want a family most of all but a genetic connection was higher on mine that on his. He wants a baby that looks like us and isn't bothered about the genetic thing at all.

All in all it suggests that we carry on with the path we are on. Adoption won't lead to a baby (is unlikely to anyway) but we're not ruling it out for later.

2) We're getting guinea pigs. I just need something fluffy to stroke and cats/dogs are inpractical in our present circumstances. They will be called Sherlock and Watson.

3) I'm going back on shakes. In two months I've lost half a stone (and I'm now up a few pounds on that thanks to the holiday). IVF put 1 stone on and Christmas another 1/2 so it'd take 6 months just to get back to where I was before (and that's if I stick to it solidly). I can lose 14-20 pounds in a month on shakes then lose the rest calorie counting.

I am trying to succeed at so many things I just need to end this struggle. I need success somewhere. I want this bloody diet over. Surely after 6 years I've paid my dues now! I want to enter new diet territory rather than the same old ground over and over.

So the plan is shakes until we start with the donor sperm in April. I've got a few events coming up but I'll just work around it.

4) This isn't a decision but my lovely fella has been muttering about my being able to drop a few days a week or even give up work. It isn't possible at the moment financially but it's good the idea is there in case some money does come in.

So good holiday with resting, swimming, jacuzzi's, writing and decisions.

Old and Cranky

2011-02-24T05:29:00.001-08:00

I went to the GPs yesterday and told him about my menopause fears. I was kind of hoping that he'd say 'Don't be silly you are far too young.'

Instead the answer was - 'It could well be. Ask your consultant if he wants me to do blood tests.' I didn't leave feeling young and vital I can tell you.

I checked my temperature a few days ago and it was low. The good news is that I'm probably not pregnant and thus won't go through yet another painful miscarriage. The bad news is that I probably didn't ovulate!

So all in all I'm feeling that we must HURRY HURRY HURRY! We last went to the clinic at the end of Jan for the counseling appointment. We are away on holiday next week and I'm due on so I wanted to know if I'd need to start meds while away.

I get a phone call today from the donor lady to say that as we're away we can't start this month because we need to sign forms first. We've been sat about for weeks waiting for them and now it's our fault for going away? Why couldn't we sign forms at the end of Jan?

So now we are looking at April for donor insemination. I am seriously starting to wonder whether we should either just go straight for donor eggs or adoption. In the spirit of gathering facts I emailed our local authority (local adoptions) and local voluntary agency (who handle international adoptions) to ask them to send the packs they mention on their website. Both have since got back to me saying that I can't email and must ring. Why not just say that on the bloody website? ARGH!

Lovely fella handed me a glass of wine last night upon my rather ranty return from the GPs and suggested we discuss it when we are on holiday. We shall but only after a few hours in the jacuzzi. See you in a week.